Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

Educating Family Members

deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello courageous parents,
My 6 year old daughter was sexually abused by a close family friend almost 2 years ago. I know that abuse goes in cycles in families, and although I was not sexually abused personally, I can see that the lack of boundaries and also trauma goes back many generations in my family. Now, my mother is in town helping take care of my daughter while I work this week, and she is very defensive about all of my 'rules' around body safety. For instance, I told her today that a playful pat on the bottom is NOT ok if it makes my daughter uncomfortable, and that my daughter needs to feel that SHE is always in charge of her body. My mother says that she finds this sad as it makes her feel like she has to be so careful around my children all the time and that my daughter is hyper-vigilant around her body. I don't want to interfere with loving family members having relationships with my children, and I certainly need the support... Any thoughts about how to educate extended family without raising this kind of defensiveness?
cathymathy
cathymathy
I find your "rules" and the explanation you gave very acceptable. I can appreciate the fact that you are making your daughter feel safe, aware and in charge of her body. Your Mom or any other family member should also be able to accept those "rules". Perhaps initially she just needs further explanations of why, but with that being said, its like everything else with your child. Your child, your rules! Parents need to respect those choices and accept those rules respectfully. If she doesn't, I would not spend much time worrying about the responses either way. Its not a sad thing, that is your Mother's interpretation..it is an EMPOWERING thing for your daughter. As far as educating family members, it has been in my experience, friends or family may or may not get the severity or the depth what has happened to our children. As astonishing as that sounds, I have run into just that. If the ones that don't get what has happened, I have very little contact with them, as they will never get it. They will live in denial and simply don't waste my time trying to get them to see differently. I feel like that is why it is so important for us to educate and empower our children. It could break the cycle in families and bring the monsters out of the darkness......and expose them for the evil they are. Congratulations to you and your daughter for finding the strength and confidence to set the record straight.
Naive1
Naive1
Ditto!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks Cathy and Naive! It's hard to break dysfunctional patterns, and some people, like my mom, just might not be able to fully understand healthy boundaries. But I could see today that my mom was trying her best, and my daughter was able to say to her that she doesn't like when she pats her bottom, and my mom listened and apologized. Of course, later she had to say sarcastically, "i won't ever touch, you unless you ask -, no hugs, no kisses". Of course my daughter didn't get the sarcasm and just innocently said, "hugs are ok!". Ha!

It is just so exhausting to referee everyone, it feels like I'm the only adult around most of the time, and I get tired of that and resent the other adults in the room! Having the trauma in our past complicates all of our relationships so much more. I have to keep telling myself that we are becoming stronger and wiser....because this is such hard and emotionally draining work.

Thanks again ladies for letting me share. I hope you both had a good day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If something makes you or your daughter uncomfortable it is totally okay for you to say "please don't touch me this way". Your mother needs to respect your wishes with your child. I talked to my children about good touch bad touch because I had been sexually abused as a child. My son still chose this behavior anyway. And my daughter still didn't tell me about it until many years later. It is tough to know if kids get the message so I like that you are always communicating you and your needs to others.