Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
i'm confused. like, REALLY confused.
this "stuff" happens to us, and because we are ashamed, we put smiles on our faces and pretend that the world isn't crashing down around us.
because it happens, we go on living our lives feeling empty, but not letting anyone know what's really going on.
because it happens, we lie by making people believe that everything is alright...that we're still "all there" when, in reality, our minds are elsewhere...in not-so-happy thoughts.
if the people that know what has happened to us ask if we're okay, we lie and tell them we are doing fine.
when we run into our "abusers", we TRY our damnedest to pretend that we're okay...that we haven't fallen from their crime. that we're able to still stand on our two feet and live through the day, week, month, year...
when we finally do stumble because the weight of this "secret" is too much for us to carry on our own, people look at us and think we are liars.
they tell us that just "the other day" we were happy...we were "hanging out" with friends, or laughing and smiling with our family members.
they tell us that if this HAD happened, we'd be depressed and we'd never leave our house.
they look at us and sneer because when we ran into our "abusers", we didn't cower in fear. we stood tall.
so what, then, are we supposed to do? are we supposed to let our "abusers" know that inside, we are dying? are we supposed to let them know that we're barely hanging on? is that what we're supposed to do?
this "stuff" happens to us, and because we are ashamed, we put smiles on our faces and pretend that the world isn't crashing down around us.
because it happens, we go on living our lives feeling empty, but not letting anyone know what's really going on.
because it happens, we lie by making people believe that everything is alright...that we're still "all there" when, in reality, our minds are elsewhere...in not-so-happy thoughts.
if the people that know what has happened to us ask if we're okay, we lie and tell them we are doing fine.
when we run into our "abusers", we TRY our damnedest to pretend that we're okay...that we haven't fallen from their crime. that we're able to still stand on our two feet and live through the day, week, month, year...
when we finally do stumble because the weight of this "secret" is too much for us to carry on our own, people look at us and think we are liars.
they tell us that just "the other day" we were happy...we were "hanging out" with friends, or laughing and smiling with our family members.
they tell us that if this HAD happened, we'd be depressed and we'd never leave our house.
they look at us and sneer because when we ran into our "abusers", we didn't cower in fear. we stood tall.
so what, then, are we supposed to do? are we supposed to let our "abusers" know that inside, we are dying? are we supposed to let them know that we're barely hanging on? is that what we're supposed to do?
he wasn't the first person to abuse me, and he knew this secret of mine.
after he abused me, he came over. i was in denial...he would NEVER do that to me. he had PROMISED me. he came close to doing the very thing he had done just weeks before...
...i was scared out of my mind. he had me down on the ground, kissing me...maybe he felt my fear? cuz he stopped and looked me in the face and outright asked if i was afraid of him.
HELL YEAH i was afraid of him. i had NEVER EVER seen this side of him before. but i told him that i wasn't. i didn't look him in the face, but i said i wasn't afraid...
what was i supposed to say? yes, i'm afraid of you? would that have made him stop? i guess it can go either way...
i'm just so confused...
So to the point...I know exactly how you feel. This is the main reason I say nothing, put on an act, pretend I am fine. I just dont want people to think of me the way I think of myself. I wish I had the strength to just feel good about myself, find it somewhere. But I only feel good when people compliment me and even that lasts mere minutes or a few hours max. the sad thing is, even when I do put on the act, hide stuff, pretend I am fine, everyone can see through it who know me well and it comes out worse in other ways as I cant physicallt push it away it is there whether I like it or not. thats why I am trying to deal with it. I recently left a place which was bad for me due to ill health and even the people I worked with didnt even notice I was so bad because I have such a good act since I have done this all my life. It is really only close people who I can open up to or am around more that can see the real issues.
I dont think it is healthy to hide things anymore and I generally open up to people I am close to like my mum, family and Bf now and it helps immensely. We all need support and the only way to overcome this stuff is to get that support, get that sense of mutual understanding with the support group so that they do not clash with you so much due to your ways and the effects they see come out in you which are bad, which they didnt understand before and blamed you for acting that way. Its very hard to do this though because of the self esteem, but without it the self esteem will only get worse until there is none. I actually think I have no self esteem now because I have left it so long and kept quiet, blamed myself and beaten myself up for being difficult, being effected like I am by it all. Because other people in my family for e.g. have overcome this a lot easier, though they were not sexually abused by my father or raped by their first bfs so maybe its just that that has made me ten times worse. My self esteem is improving since I finally spoke out though, to my close ones.
I feel so unlucky and its hard for people to understand if they are not in your situation. I know a lot of people judge and I hate the sympathy when people think you are amazing just because you happen to be living and trying to get through life with all the effects and shit like PTSD. I should be proud I guess but I dont want a sympathy vote, I dont want people to be proud of me because I happen to be trying to battle the effetcs of abuse, I dont even want to think about it and the fact people think I am amazing for it does make me feel good sometimes because I feel strong but at the same time I just dont want it to define me. I dont want to be associated all my life with sexual abuse, I dont want people to think of me and think of the mess I am dealing with or what a mess I am. I just want to be like them, a normal person who has achieved things regardless of my life or the way it is. I just dont want to be different in this way. I know it lessens my quality of life and I struggle more, but I can get through it eventually I know that. I just dont want people to carry on going on about how I am a survivor years after I have gotten over it.
Sometimes I just want desperately to get away from it. Its like sometimes I cant even think of anything else, I have so many things in my head, so many crammed in thoughts mostly of which are things people have said and flashes etc and I just feel like I have completely lost my sense of self and identity because of this. I feel like its all I have for an identity because it has stripped my whole life bare and I just feel like crying all the time. I dont want people to think I am obsessed but it haunts me so badly and I just wish I could move on and not feel so much despair, I wish I could not think of it for one day. I want to be a person but I cant even think of who I am anymore. I wish someone could help me I wish the doctor would just hurry up and refer me to someone to deal with this. I am sure its some kind of dissociation problems and everyone needs self esteem in these situations. I cant do anything and I am depressed, I have no motivation and at the same time I am sick of talking about it all, sick of having it on my mind, sick of trying to overcome it and feeling like I am getting nowhere.
Nowonder people like you and me cover it all up, the feelings. who wants to be around someone depressed, anxious, PTSD problems, someone who needs constant care and looking after. Its such a hard thing to do to be there for someone like us and I know some are willing but we cant HELP feeling guilty. I cant anyway. I feel selfish. I feel weak. I hate that, I feel vulnerable and a mess. I just want to feel strong and it takes so much to even get through a day and get strength for it. It takes so much to convince myself I am strong by talking and getting through each day as a survivor and that Im strong by finally facing it and not dissacociating again as thats how I dealt with it in the past always, I'd just hoped it would go away and I'd ignore it like it wasnt really there. but the symptoms got me, they came out extreme until I was a danger to both myself and the people around me. I was at one point out of control because I was fighting dealing with it when my body and mind knew I had no choice but to process it. Its only sicne a year ago I started this process and it is hard, but again we have to remember it is better and everyone, including ourselves, will be better if we deal rather than let it destroy everyone. I did used to think about suicide and that id just be better off leaving everyone and then no-one would have to go through pain, not me, no-one would have to deal with me, no-one would have to stop me being out of control. I'd just disapear and everyone would be better off. but thats a cowards way out and in fact people care more than we think, people want to help they just feel empathy and they want to be there. People love us, they dont want to see us suffer. My mum told me she would rather I had been honest all the years rather than hide my problems as she could then have understand earlier and have been there sooner and did her duty to help me as a mum because she wanted to and wants to now. I just didnt understand this for a long time because I feel a burden and everyone always has there own problems. I'd rather not make anyone unhappy to see me unhappy. Its a very tough situation.
If people dont understand then of course some people will then judge you and think that one day your fine and the next your suddenly not so obviously your just being silly, but thats bullshit they're not in your head or situation, they cant see how you hide things and try and be strong and get through a day with every piece of effort left inside you. your trying to be normal. that is a normal human reaction to try and fit in and get on with life because otherwise you'd just be accused of something else like being an emo and although people call you a liar, they have no grounds to base this on, you know deep down the truth and so hold you head high and ignore it. The point is, like I said, everyone will judge nomatter what. Please be no-one but yourself in this situation as you cant help what you are, you want to get better and you're not suffering with it all on purpose. Its a completely normal response. If you broke your leg by accident you wouldnt blame yourself would you? Nor would anyone else. Its the same thing, you have been damaged physically by this its just that it is harder to see and people are ignorant sometimes and do not understand. also bear in mind it is a topic people want to keep hush, its a stigma in society and peoplet simply dont like to hear about it because it is much worse than a broken leg. Of course you get people obsessed with stories on the news and they'll read books etc and go on but when it becomes a reality and you know or see someone for real it is not something so interesting, it is very painful. Dont let people make you feel so bad. Keep it private for the right people, but create a support group, honestly, if you talk to people they will understand if they are willing, push them and dont feel bad because it is for the best for everyone who cares about you and yourself. If they really care about you they will help, they may at first not understand and hurt your feelings a great deal but this is natural as people dont wuite know how to react as they can find it hard to understand or become absorbed into self blame if they were in your life when it all happened in the fisrt place. but it comes eventually, I promise. Dont feel bad, you need this. and If you really dont trust anyone or feel uncomfortable then go to a therapist and let him or her be the one to talk to but let people know how you are REALLY doing, they will be more hurt by the fact you have kept so much in all the years and shut them out when they could have helped, as wether you think it was for their own good or not, at the end of the day it is most likely that the people close to you would have wanted to be there and wanted to be supportive even if at first, if you tried to talk it may have seemed hard, if you explain enough people WILL understand eventually and people close to you are ALWAYs on your side. Thats what families are for, to help one another, to cut yourself off is an insult to that and you inevitably cut yourself off and feel more alienated, more alone and you feel worse for it. I hope you can overcome these feelings like me.
As for meeting your abuser in the street I think you are INCREDIBLY brave and look up to you greatly for this strength. I could not do this at all, noway. I think it is great that you hold your head high and can do that, of course you wouldnt want to let them know they have ruined your life. I bet inside they feel guilt and feel the pain of the fact they are the weak ones, I bet they are dying inside because seeing you would be a reminder of their guilt and the fact that they are BAD. and I also think you deserve that pride. So I am 100% with you. I offer my support wholeheartedly and hope that my words have helped a little and not caused any pain. I just wanted you to know that I can probably relate to your post more than any other so far. Thank you.
We need to find ppl who truely love us and understand that we are not ok. Who understand us. We will not be ok until some sort of healing happens through therapy, Ds or whatever route you take. Every person and path is unique.
We need boundaries too. For our family, for our friends and for the ppl who do not support us. Abuse makes us think we have no boundaries but we need them.
Pretending things are ok actually makes things worse, we invalidate our feelings and our thoughts. We need to get in touch with ourselves and learn to express our true self.
Our abusers don't need or deserve to know anything.
For too many years to mention I carried on with this secret.. carried on as normal.. however the cracks finally showed when.. HE,, did it to my daughter also......... He had the cheek to say to me he never realised it had affected me...........
But in away it hadn't until the box of memories was opened and then all hell let loose.
I feel that personally we need to show strength.. yes they need to understand and realise they are "sick in the head" but we only have one life... we can move on.........councelling and great friends give us the courage to do so.....
Stay strong......write down...write him a letter........ anything......but show them that they have not destroyed you............
No more cowering ........we are so much stronger than them chick.....
God bless.
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