This is my first entry. I just …
This is my first entry. I just found this site literally 3 minutes ago. I feel bad today; mostly because I've had …
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No, this isn’t about the last book of the bible – that would take WAY too much space in a journal!! Instead, it’s about some things that have been revealed to me in the past few days that I know if I address will be helpful in the long run.
I did a no-no a few nights ago. I broke my own cardinal rule and deleted a journal entry! It was a venting entry, which we all need, but I said some ugly things about my husband and mother that I was later ashamed of, so it got jettisoned out to cyberspace. (I love that word “jettison”. I used to be a big sci-fi reader when I was younger and I remember learning that word from a Ray Bradbury book. Okay, Rhonda, get focused … back to the journal!)
In a nutshell, and this applies for all of us CFSers, I need to ask for what I need. This includes advice from others, behavior changes from those who are making me feel like shutting down, and for any help – stop doing things myself when I can call upon the help of others. I know very well this is something I need to work on. And I’m not scared, in fact, I feel energized from this revelation!!
In fact, I’ve already started. I called my mom yesterday, and calmly told her how her “attacks” on wanting me to fix things made me feel. Tearfully, I told her that I love her and I want us to have a good relationship. But right now, things overwhelm me, and when she approaches me in her usual attack-mode, I shut down. “I truly want to fix the things you’re asking of me, mom. They’re no big deal and I know you get easily flustered because of your age. But for my sake, could you please enter into a conversation calmly and respectfully, and then I won’t run and hide in a cave for a week and will be more willing to do the things you need.” She had an immature response at first, but the more we talked, and cried together, she said she would be willing to work on it.
And I’ve started conversations with my husband. A dear DS friend (you know who you are!) helped me look at his work style differently. I always accuse him of being lazy and orchestrating everyone around him. She suggested that I need to look at my husband as a manager and myself as a worker. When a job is to be done, I look at a way that I can personally fix it and expect him to look at it the same way. But he looks at it like the manager that he is. He thinks of the best person to do the job, then assigns it. There’s nothing wrong with that. We just have different work styles. (Thank you, Prairs!!)
Additionally, I have realized that I have slipped back into a Codependency mode. There are many people in my life with addictions (not just substance addictions, some addicted to themselves) and I react to those addictions instead of taking care of myself and learning a healthier way to deal with them. I know the things I need to do and start doing them! Another GREAT revelation!
So this is a happy face Friday for me. I feel hope restored. I thank God for my friends here. And I urge all of you to “ask for what you need”.
Much love to all of you dear ones,
Rhonda J
“You want something but don’t get it … you do not have, because you do not ask.” – James 4:2
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Yay for you!!!!!!!!!! Happy Face Friday is wonderful and I hope you have a happy face saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday....!!!
Hugs and more hugs!
~*~
Prairie
Praise God!! What a revelation, I think I will try this in my life with my husband and some friends . I am happy your feeling good about your life again. may the good Lord keep smiling on you. Love n hugs Frieda xxxooo
MrsTDC
I know you feel badly for deleting the journal...but I understand why you did it. It's hard to let our friends know when the real dirt hits the fan. We feel "less than wonderful" when we want to slap somebody...although that is often needed!!
It does seem that you have come to some good realizations in your life Rhonda. I know this thing with your mom is very stressful for you. I KNOW it!! It has to be....and what you said is true. These things are not your fault. People need to treat you properly, kindly and with respect regarding you and your illness. We tend to push that into the background, but we're really TOO TIRED and weak sometimes to meet the needs of others.
As far as any other things that you are feeling led to change in your life...consider them from God. He is speaking to you, through your own prayers, and the love of dear friends.
Listen to the still small voice...it seems to be getting loud enough for you to hear.
I'm praying for you...this is a good journal Rhonda. Thank you for not holding back. We all need to learn to do this..good girl!!
Love ya.
DarlaC
PS: I've vented about my mom before and always ended up deleting them. I NEED to get it out but the 'honor thy mother and father' thing always gets to me after awhile. Plus, it just feels BAD to talk badly about anyone. I understand. I think you do need to and so do I....and look how much help you got from doing so...so I think I will try to work up to doing some venting, too! See, you've also inspired by doing it! Thanks!
Prairie
Rhonda,
I am so happy u are finding ur way..u know I am. I thinkg this is really good for you. You are attacking what needs to be done.I will pray for you the strength and courage to fulfil ur needs..
You are a good woman with so much to offer and u need to be appreciated and respected for that..
You may have very well helped so many others learn from your beautifully written words..I will...
My hats off to you lady...U are a godsend to us all..
much love ....d..d...:) very proud that u r my friend..And very blessed that u r my friend...hugs
littlemisstracy2u
Rhonda, im so happy for you!! Yayyy!!
What wonderful news!
I think that you are a lovely lady, who always manages to know what to say to me, when i need advice or whatever, you are always there!
I deleted some entries too, for the same reasons. It helped me to get all the venting out, but i was ahamed of them after. Partly coz i was embarressed id let myself 'let' it all out, and partly coz i was ashamed that id vented in parts about my family.
Im so blessed to have you as a friend!
Much love and hugs, xoxoxo
Sweet_Jasmine
It's ok to rant and rave on here...and it's also ok to delete and 'jettison' your rants into cyberspace hell! I've erased such long, detailed journals. Mom's can be a real pain. I know from having a mom...and being a mom! (You fit into that category too!) And, having a husband is even harder...or at least that's been my experience! Maybe you get overwhelmed by both of them being too needy and dependant on you. Since I am a little older then you, let me share some of my wisdom...LOL...over the last month I am learning to not only live in the moment, but to savor it. Life is short and it will make you feel better to make light of the situation both to them and to yourself! Glad you are happy now! Don't let others bring you down:)
dgs
You go girl!! We all have our days, dont even worry about it, I am very proud of you and happy for you. If we got along with everyone all of the time, we would get bored. Healing often takes finding the things that have bothered or hurt us in the past. vent when you need to, it is ok, it is better than carrying it around being toxic... so smile and be sweetie..
Paindora
I loved this journal so inciteful and full of hope you have helped me..the ranting is good..because we need to express our feelings..but motly it is for us only and it helps us reflect .Our mothers are so important to us..we want their support and love and acceptance probably more than most people..I am better at saying what i need now too and I am SOSO HAPPY for you , that you were able to..good for you..you are special and I love seeing how God works in us and through us and out of us..along with this I am learning to forgive my mum to...writing in journal about my memories has given me a reminder of my mum as I was growing up and all she did for me and how she loved me..as a elderly woman now I know it scares her that I have this illness and she doean,t know how to deal with it..so she makes up her own explanations for it...I am closer to accepting but like you I am telling her what I need...love you heapz you are a great friend... lets "jettison" into the wide wide world and explore...yippee what fun ....later xxxxxxxxx
julesd
You are a Godsend to many of us....it is very liberating to get it all out.....that's what the journaling is supposed to be all about. As you probably know by now....I hold nothing back...and I mean nothing....what ever comes to mind for me....goes right down in print....and I rarely ever proof read.....because I know that I would change what I feel....and it feels so good to get it all down. If you ever feel like you don't want other's to read it....just click the "save for just myself" you can always change it later....but it's so important to get it down so you can look back and see how you felt, and see how things have progressed over time for better or worse :) JMHI
xoxoxoxo
MySharona62
New revelations is marvelous. Analysis of self and others, the key to freedom and peace. Speaking out in love, excellent. Hats off to you my dear, this will help you in the long run to health. De-stressing is a major key in recovery.
God bless you and may he continue to empower you in all things.
Praise the LORD.
love and hugs
mary
Snuffles
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*FOREVER~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*HUGS~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*FOR~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*YOU*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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