I feel like my life is a bit like …
I feel like my life is a bit like a roller coaster at the moment. Today I'm lucky because it has been a good day. …
Join Now
I feel so alone and pathetic. It was meant to be a night where my so-called partner was supposed to spend the night with my daughter and I. Just like practically every other time it never happened. It seems like he always comes up with some excuse to leave. Everytime I know its just an excuse and nothing real I confront him about it and everytime he ends up making me feel bad about our situation and that I should understand why he has to go. The thing is if he loves my daughter and I so much that he can't breakup and he can't just leave us alone to try and get on with our lives as hard as it may be then how can he just walk out the house so easily. I love him so much. He helped me get away from drugs, smoking all the alcohol I used to drink and if it wasn't for him I would have been dead 2 years ago. I felt so alone in life until he came in to it. As much as I love him and as much as I trust him I just can't understand how he can walk away so easily. Sure he might be coming back tomorrow morning but I really need those nights where I know 100% that he is just with me. Where I can be sure 100% that he isn't sharing a bed with another woman. I mean I do trust that he doesn't sleep in bed with her and that they have no relationship, that they just live together so her and their son can stay in the country, I know it doesn't sound like it but I do. I just don't know if I'm being blinded by love. I'm so afraid that one day I'm going to find out that they are in a relationship and that this "love" was not real. I'm scared that without him to give me the strength I will become suicidal again, start the cutting the drugs and the alcohol again. My daughter is such a good girl. She deserves to have a better mum than that. If I start all that again I know I'll lose her and I know 100% that if I don't have her I won't be able to live. I wish so much that I could learn to focus on her and nothing else. I wish that I could believe in myself and keep myself strong. It just seems like since I was raped nothing in my life has gone right and never will go right. Why was it that when I found the one person who could make me smile and feel love and happiness again had to be taken away from me? How is it that the week we wanted to tell people we were going to get engaged that an ex girlfriend of his calls to say she has his seven month old son? My partner and I said our love is so strong that it will get us through this and one day she will become a citizen and find someone else and it will just be us again. How could we be so nieve? It hurts so much when he leaves. Its so much like salt in the wound knowing that he's sleeping in a house with another girl. Sure he is there so he doesn't lose his son. He sleeps on the couch while that girl has one bedroom and her brother has the second bedroom. The only thing that keeps my trust in my partner strong is that her brother always visits. He totally loves my daughter and he always tells me that nothing is going on between his sister and my partner. He says that they actually don't even talk unless they have to because they despise each other. He says if it wasn't for their son they probably would have ripped each other appart. Me and my partner are always outward about our love in front of her brother. The thing that confuses me is would her brother lie to me because of his appreciation to my partner for helping him stay in the country or am I right in thinking that if my partner was actually still in a relationship with his sister there is no way he could stand by and watch my partner betray his sister like that? I wish so much that my life is going to get so much better than this.
Comments
You might also like ...
I am frightened for my life, and …
I am frightened for my life, and strangely unable to find ways to help myself. I have health issues which may change …
I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through. I know this is very painful. I do know that you had to work very hard to get where you are at today. Please don't throw that investment out the window. You have a beautiful baby girl & no one will ever love her the way you do.You are important and you matter, you have came along way, please be proud of your self for that. Do you know how many people that are still right we left them. I thank God for watching & looking out for me when I didn't have the sense to do it. Just know that you are in my prayers.
jasw4914