andrew31's Journal

   Well im stressed beyond belief, well i don't know? im just stressed. I've been having quite a few panic attacks over the summer. I had a great year of school last year at YSU. Graphic design has been lots of fun. I love learning new things. I admit school was stressful, but i think it kept me on my toes and made for an outlet for my anxiety. Since being out of shool, i could not settle. could'nt find a job. Now being a couple of days to returning to school, all my excitment for returning to school has become dread. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I feel off. I've been pretty depressed feeling. I have had suicidal thoughts. It has been a nightmare the past few weeks. Im starting to not want to leave my house. I know better. but its painful to try sometimes. I hate it. I hate life right now. I cried out to God today and it helped. I know my soul is pretty dark and needs some sunlight. Im trying to be myself and not be a people pleaser. 3 kids on top of this is pretty heavy. I want to get away from it all at times. Where am i gonna go? I love my family. Sometimes i wish i could be diagnoased as just incompitent so i would'nt have to worry about carrying out all this wieght. 3 kids a wife, trying to go to school, panic attacks, bills, cars. Sometimes i want to make an exit. It's just stressfull. I have no help from my family. My mother is messed up as well and unable to keep any normal relationship with. Its like being friends with fire, you'll get burned. So no mommy. Daddy. he's not available either. He's trying to keep his head above water too. He can't understand me. Im like his wife. I've got the problems she does.