lorrieonline's Journal

In discussing what our "personal prisons" are in group, turns out I was in denial about not realizing I was in denial!!

Once again, tried to do everything in one day.  Shop for the meal, come home and tidy up my house, start the preparation for the family dinner and whamo!  Before I knew it, I was on the floor, crying tears of exasperation that I could not get across the floor to even sit down. 

I had done it yet again.  I wonder, why do I have to be so hard headed, as to bring about that sort of personal trauma before realizing that taking the time to schedule my life is ever increasingly important.  The thought that my family could have showed up when I couldn't get off the floor was devastating.   It doesn't feel ok for the folks to see me like that -  I don't want to traumatize them.  I certainly didn't want my niece to see me that way.  She remembers me as a fun-loving, dancing, bubbly personality. 

It's not that I mind them knowing it's tough sometimes.  So here comes my other personal prison - I'm afraid of not being good enough.  I think if I were only better, acted smarter, planned better, this would be easier.  Feeling I should have a heads up on this MS crap by now.  I know if I do it all in one day, I'm going to hit the floor and so I then wonder, what part of it all I just cant grasp?  Between the denial and the thinking that I'm responsible for knowing better and acting that way, seems like I have a "catch 22" going.

How does one deal with that?  Remembering that we are important enough to take time out to organize and plan for ourselves?  Take time out for our own needs?  For our wants and desires?  There is only one thing I'm great at that is evident - planning time to sing.  It's what I love to do.  That circle of friends is important to me too. 

Dealing with denial. Hmmmm. Never realized it was so huge an issue again until yesterday.  Yep, I've got it, a huge case of denial and need to "get over it."   I will "endeavor" to handle this head-on and be reasonable and love myself more. To feel worthy of taking time out for me and enjoy doing it.

I love all my friends here and in my life here, and feel that we all hold each other up with strength, friendship, love and support, not to mention encouragement.