coinpeddler's Journal

Well, it has been over 4 months since Jimmy left us.  Some days are good, most are bad.  I miss him more than anyone can imagine.  He would have been home with us by now and we would have at least been together.  We all know he may not have lived much longer, but at least we could have made some more memories with him.  He would have had a chance to be happy and see that we were happy.  Jimmy would be upset to know that all of us are struggling and unhappy right now.  He only wanted me to be happy, but of course he wanted to be the one to make me happy.  We have talked for so long about our marriage and what it would take to be happy and stay together.  At first he did not understand what marriage was about, and when he was in trouble (after his release), ran from me instead of asking me for help.  There is nothing I would not have done to help him.  but he slid back into the old habits and ended up in jail again.  He finally realized how much I loved him and how lucky he was to have someone to love, but of course someone had other plans for him.  I don't understand them, as he could have had a wonderful life and made so many people happy just to see him happy and at home.  Not a minute goes by without thoughts of him and his smile.  At least we will be able to spend eternity together, but that is not for a long time.  I just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.  I am not sure it will be again.  I am not sure i want to take a chance again, as I don't want to feel pain again.  Even though Jim was the one who convinced me to love again and that it was alright, if it is not with him, than no one else will do.