Trisa's Journal

Wow, Monday again... Last week flew by so fast. I am back online, who knows how long it will be before I can get back to the computer? Anyone's guess is as good as mine! Oodles of thanks to my lovely friends for their support and encouragement; I will be online more regularly beginning in October!

Last week I worked a lot of hours; the boy I nannied from when he was 6 til he was 10 turned 13 so I took him out for dinner; I got to go over to the mainland to visit friends and see the Scorpions concert (which rocked!); and we measured the new house to see what furniture will go where. This week I work 40 hours over 6 days and then I have 4 days to pack 6 years worth of mess into boxes, clean the house and shampoo the carpets, and move in to the new place starting on the 27th!

Part of me is excited but a big part of me is scared. The whole time I was taking a break last week I was just manic. Panicking, crying, tapping and shaking. This little trip really cemented for me how much it means to me to finally know someone who loves me enough to respect that he may not understand, but still wants to help. For instance, I had a panic attack in the car on our way home. He was great; just stayed really calm and let me get through and then gave me a hug and told me it was ok. I still expect him to somehow be a jerk like my ex (even though we have been finished for 5 years and I have healed a lot) but he doesn't see the point in making everything worse. I still get so embarrassed and ashamed, like I should have better self- control. My honey reminds me though, I really am doing the best I can. It's not just words with no meaning, he can see how I struggle to seem "normal", to hold together when i feel like I am falling apart. I am so proud of him, some days I think he copes better with this than I do... He says we help each other. All I know is I am just still so thankful to not be frightened all the time, so glad to not have anyone calling me names or yelling at me or hurting me. I am still scared sometimes even though I know I will never let that happen again.

So now is the time of year where I must prepare for the whirlwind of birthdays between now and Xmas. But instead of getting all overwhelmed and taking on too much, I am just going to focus on moving. I have a big, close family. Tomorrow is my best friend's 27th birthday... This weekend my cousin turns 19 (our age of majority). It's funny, he's not legally of age to drink, but has 2 babies to look after. Next week my uncle goes in for heart surgery on his 65th birthday. My one year anniversary with Trevor! My adopted mom's birthday. Many of my friends and relatives have their birthdays in the first week of October, then both the kids. Some of my other cousins are expecting their first baby, she is not due til October 25th but it could be any day ( I think she will come early)... Gee, then it's Hallowe'en! I have a feeling this next month will whoosh by even faster than this one has!

My last day at work is this Saturday! Super happy I don't have to bag groceries for a living any more... Once I get settled in the new place I will start looking for work (maybe coffee shop again?) through the Xmas season, and then I will be nannying the kids in January when the 3 year-old starts pre-school. This is all so exciting! I know I will make it through and I will be proud of myself! I am proud! Go, me, go! And you too!