OpheliaRising's Journal

"When thinking won't cure fear, action will." – William Clement Stone
 

Husband went out of town for 4 days and came back Sunday. It was nice to have some time to myself. I spring cleaned, mowed, planted some more stuff in the garden and generally just took time for myself. I am still battling the Dell thing. Still working on them to send me a new system that actually WORKS. We show the House Monday (today) as we are putting it up for sale. That makes me sad and happy all at the same time. I am just so confused about everything.

When Husband came home I was so happy to see him. He brought me home a beautiful gift basket that had goodies, organic loose leaf chi tea, and a beautiful tea cup that has a lid and a strainer. I was stunned at his choice of gift as it was everything I enjoyed and than some. He said he picked everything in the basket right down to said basket which was lined in fabric that had butterflies and flowers embroidered on it.

I still cry every day about my Grammie. The fact she was robbed of her last wishes when her rings were stolen off her just breaks my heart. Saturdays are filled with silence for me. It hurts. I cant help but hurt.

Whats weird is while Dylan was away anytime I got uneasy at night about being in the house alone I would tell myself I am safe...cus Grammie is watching over me. That seemed to put my mind at ease.

I remember telling Dylan several days after her funeral that I had a feeling she didn't stick around. I don't feel her. Not anymore. Its so hard to explain what I feel....its like she went from this ball of essence trapped in a mortal temple to this strength and warmth within me. She is all around me.

What is weird was on Easter, the day before her funeral, I was staring in the mirror and found that there is a circle of blue around my green eyes. My grandmother had that same thing except her eyes were brown with a circle of blue around them. I always loved that. For me that circle of blue has never been there. I had a deep feeling that was something passed on to me when she left this world. Perhaps she acquired this when her own mother died. The circles of blue have been there ever since. Even Husband commented. I supposed I am marked now...but why?

I have been trying to pull myself together. I dont wish to dishonor her memory by back sliding with all the progress I have worked so hard on. Damn...I loved her..I still love her. She believed in me and loved me with ever fiber of her being. Why can't I believe in and love myself that much?

I have this beautiful journal I bought sometime ago. It has Waterhouse's "lady of shallot" on it. I love Waterhouse. The pages are lined and doted with inspirational quotes here and there. I used to write poetry religiously. When I would go to see my Grammie she would have me read page after page- no matter what subject. She would listen intently and hang off my every word. For her birthday one year I wrote her a poem especially for her. She told me out of all the gifts she received in her lifetime that the poem she will cherish forever. Perhaps that journal has a purpose now. Perhaps it can be filled with lines of poetry?

How is everyone?

~Bright Blessings~
Rea