OpheliaRising's Journal

"I have come with my mustard seed
I cannot accept that she will be taken from me" 

-Tori Amos
 

Last night I stood in the shower sobbing.  I seem to do that a lot. It’s just easier to cry in the shower. That way I don’t have to hear my weeping nor do I have to feel the tears. I begged God not to take my grandmother- not yet. However, in my begging I realized something. “I am not strong enough yet…please don’t take her from me…I am not ready”, I repeated over and over. And just when I was about to crumble and fall was when I felt myself straighten up and I knew all would be ok. I WAS strong enough.

My great grandmother died today. I wrote it…I said it…I don’t feel it yet. I thought I would be a blubbering mess but really…I am ok. My Aunt called me about noon today.  She said they would hold off Grammies funeral so I would have time to make it up there. I told her Grammie told me not to go to her funeral and just to go a head without me. She told me my uncle due to his heart condition probably wouldn’t be going and they totally understood. All I asked was for a flower off her casket. Then Aunt Dee said, “before everyone raids her house aside from the things she willed to you what is it you want that was hers?” I paused and said “any handkerchiefs you can find I would love”

My Aunt went quiet for a little bit and she said, “of course…anything else? You know of value?” and I said, “those are of value to me…”
I am having ups and downs. I am heartbroken yet so excited for my Grammie. The Guilt is gone.

All hell is breaking lose in Ohio though. My older brother who I haven’t spoke too in about 5 years called to tell me Grammie died about an hour after I was told by my Aunt. It was almost like him and mom wanted to turn the knife. They are already planning for their BS to start.
I went back and forth as to whether or not I should go to Ohio. Husband put me in the car cus I wanted some sunshine. He took me to a park and I cried in the car as a breeze blew into the window. My grandmother knew the hells I went through, she knew how deeply I hurt and how deeply I love. She was wise when she said stay in Ohio. I will honor that request and make a journey up to Ohio in the fall in celebration of her new journey.

Now….what do I do? How can I better help her in her journey? Would tears, prayers, and laughter help sail her home? I will gladly have someone place a coin in her hand for safe passage. What do I do? I will do anything!!!

On Monday we bought all the things we need to plant our garden. I think when we are putting it in I will take a moment to tribute to her. When I go to her grave in the fall I will take a rock from the garden and bury it in the ground by her tombstone so a piece of my energy is with her mortal remains always. Yeah….thats a good plan. Through life comes death and through death springs for life. The wheel turns.

I just hope I can forever make her proud. My Guardian Angel as I had always called her….has real wings now.

I hope all is well.

~Bright Blessings~
Rea

~*~

"1000 Oceans"
-Tori Amos

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe

that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
 

And if I find you
Will you still remember
Playing at trains
Or does this little blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

 
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home