OpheliaRising's Journal

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” - Karen Ravn

Things have been very quiet around here despite the fact my anxiety and nervousness is through the roof. Since Friday (the fight) I have been this way. On Saturday my self esteem took a blow when we had the party and I had such a panic attack I started throwing up. No one knew mind you because I quietly excused myself. Here I thought I had it all under control. Every part of me believes it’s the fight on Friday between Husband and I that prompted all of this, however, a sliver of me is frightened I will be a prisoner again. That my body will betray me any where I go and I will just flip out, go insane, make a fool of myself etc etc. Stupid doubt!

Husband and I have been going out of our way to be extra gracious and kind to one another. We seem to be spending more time together. We are talking more and seem to be making efforts to understand one another position in all this.

Christmas was good except I was nervous and for a small amount of time I became incredibly sad. What for I have no clue but Husband left me alone to work things out of course bringing me cups of tea and checking on me everyone now and again.

The day after Christmas we decided to get me out of the house. I needed to do some banking and had to pick up a few things from the store which it was shockingly quiet aside from the returns section. I was very nervous about going out. As stated my confidence went out the window since that blow at the party on Saturday. However, I managed to keep focused and keep calm. We went to the store; got the things we needed, even did some browsing, and came home.

Thursday, today, was spent finishing up my paper for school and studying my little heart out. I think my brain is fried. I have my test to take tomorrow which I am hoping to get high marks on as to bring my grade up so if I mess up on my finals I have room to still pass. I am getting a B+ currently. I have two more modules before finals. I still have no idea how I am going to go about studying for them. There is so much (14 modules worth/ 9 months worth) of information. I am quite organized but feel my system isn’t suiting me. I need to take a fresh look at what to do to prepare.

I hope all is well and have a wonderful holiday. I do appreciated all your love and support.

~Bright Blessings~
Rea