OpheliaRising's Journal

"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work the way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves. " - Dana-Christene Umanetz

~sighs~

My Yule was spent not in joy and happiness but taking part in WWIII with my husband. I had been working ALL day to finish orders, clean/straighten the house, and prepare food for the party for Saturday. When Husband got home I was very distracted trying to get things done. When I asked him to please prep his chili for the party he went off.

That triggered a night of hell. It was a constant battle, bickering, fighting etc. Nothing I could say would shut him up. Apparently to him I have made absolutely no progress. He says we are a joke. He said he is living a lie because he constantly has to lie to his friends and coworkers as to why I don’t come with him on business trips, to banquets, dinners etc. All and all what it boiled down to and all I heard was I am a less then a human being that has no redeeming features. The “D” word was mentioned many times in the fight and when I would call his bluff saying “fine I will make arrangements and I will be gone...” he backed off some. He thinks if he says “divorce” I will just snap out of everything. I wish it was that easy. He keeps saying if I don’t “do something” or if I “don’t get better” he will leave me.

Have I not reached out to him for help? Did he not tell me he was too busy to take me to counseling or to the doctor? Did he not say we could not afford it and when I offered alternative solutions he wrote me off? So, I gathered myself up and started taking baby steps on my own. Gradually I thought I was improving. I wasn’t nervous and filled with anxiety all the time. I could leave the house without a thought. I could go to the store without having a panic attack. Slowly but surely I was moving in the right direction. Apparently to him it wasn’t quick enough and it wasn’t good enough.

We fought and we fought and we fought. Every word out of his mouth was something terrible and negative about me. I kept asking myself “Am I really that horrible?” Nothing I could say would make him shut up- even when I told him how I felt he would just laugh in my face. He mocked my anxiety and panic attacks. He mocked my depression. He degraded my progress.

Finally by midnight we came to a common ground. Things were calm, however, I came out of it destroyed. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried so much that the psoriasis around my eyes flared up. It’s very painful.

The next day (Saturday/yesterday) I was fine for most of the day until that nervous feeling came…then the anxiety…then my first major panic attack within months. I have been a wreck ever since. This morning under our agreement when we called a truce I tried going to Husband to speak with him. He told me on the truce “just talk to me…ramble…get it out” I tried that…he instantly started attacking me and I saw it was going no where but onto the battlefield so I locked up. I closed my eyes and just swallowed that hurt deep down inside.

Once upon a time I was a cutter. I am not anymore. I can see how it was the easy way out. I am triggered constantly now. Everything I look at is something that can inflict pain- not just objects…words. His words echo in my head constantly. So much so no matter how hard I fight I think I am starting to believe it.

I know he was mad. I know people say things they don’t mean when they are mad…but sometimes they often speak the truth.

I am nervous all the time now. I am having severe panic attacks constantly. The anxiety is becoming overwhelming. I feel myself black sliding into oblivion. I tried working out, I tried going for walks, I tried mediation, I tried telling myself “your world isn’t falling apart” but it is. I even tried working in that workbook for panic attacks and anxiety.

I wish I could snap myself out of it. I don’t think he realizes I how much I do not want this and how hard it was for me in the summer to ask for help and not get an ounce of it. I was actively taking control of my life. I was slowly but surely bringing myself back to “normal” ALL on my own and with the support of my friends and all you wonderful people here. 

Deep down inside I am frightened. I am broken now and it looks like I am beyond repair. Like always the people I thought who love me just don’t want me anymore. Husband has tried to fix me but he just can’t (all he can do is work against me) and because he can’t he has turned me into someone that is his enemy. So now that he can’t he thinks putting deadlines on stuff will make it better. “If you are better by X time…I want a divorce” What is that? I know he is frustrated, angry and hurt. So am I.

It’s a cycle I am raging against to break. I don’t know how. I don’t have the tools. What are the tools?!

I can’t do this alone…and when I turn around I see a cage around me. Everyone is on the other side…I rattle the bars of my cage trying to get out…I kick, hit and scream…I wanna be FREE! I see everyone standing there just out of reach. What is not clicking in my head that will give me the key to get out?...and as I figure this out…one by one the people I know and love around my cage shake their heads and walk away. 

I am buried alive in myself....

I hope all is well.

~Bright Blessings~
Rea

PS. Weird…Husband just snapped awake from his nap…came to me and asked me if I was ok. Hell no I am not ok…All I can think of is I need to look at this from all perspectives. But how when I am so blind right now? He hugged me and suddenly I am ok...for now.