I went to my therapy session this …
I went to my therapy session this evening, everything went well. She seems to really help me out when I need her. I am …
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"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." – Frank Herbert
Right now I am thoroughly annoyed with my Husband. I have been making great strides with my recovery from anxiety and panic attacks. My exposure therapy has been going very well despite the fact I am all alone in the matter. I am battling this alone and cannot include my Husband because he cannot remain objective and always feels he must push.
Well, a couple days ago he told me a colleague of his and his wife wishes to have dinner with Husband and I. Husband said its very important because it’s great for networking. I voiced my concerns about how I felt I wasn’t ready for something like that but he just blew it off.
Today I sat down with him and told him that yes I have been making huge strides but right now I am sticking to my exposure therapy schedule and to my pace. I told him I do not feel ready to be nearly an hour and a half away from home, in a busy restaurant with a group of strangers. That is just too much too soon. With all that said he basically blew me off and said, “Oh, you will be fine!” and then said “Well they asked us and I am not saying no.”
I voiced an even bigger concern that if I am not ready for something like that and I do have a “melt down” over it that I am terrified I will be back to square one. Again I felt like he blew me off. He made mention how well I was doing and that I will be fine.
Why is it I don’t feel like I will be fine? And why is it I feel like I am going to cry?
I hate it that when I do make significant progress he pulls this crap. He can’t leave me be to work at my own pace. He has to constantly push whether it’s consciously or subconsciously. What’s worse is he is going out of town for a week which is fine I am looking forward to it to do more exposure therapy. However, I am feeling a lot of anxiety about it- which is normal- and he wants to meet these people 2 or 3 days when he gets back from his trip. So I am gonna be at peak craziness the whole time while he is gone.
I am so angry with him! I feel like he is belittling what I am going through. I just want to scream at him. I want to shake him and hit him and make him feel as bad as I do. Better yet have him live a day in my shoes trying to control the constant panic, anxiety, and all the wonderful physical symptoms it comes with.
Usually when I get this way I wish I was normal. I don’t want to wish anymore…I want to BE normal…so I am taking steps to do so…but why are those steps never good enough or fast enough for those around me? Its as simple as this: I am NOT letting ANYONE rush my recovery. MY PACE, MY TERMS! (am I being irrational?)
I just don’t want to fight with him…Whats worse is how to you communicate with someone that you feel just doesnt get it or just doesnt wish to listen?
On the school front I took another test and got a 96%. That puts me two weeks ahead of schedule and counting.
I hope everyone is well!
~Bright Blessings~
Rea
UPDATED GOALS
Pass My New Class!
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 0
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OMG, Rea... you and your hubby sound just like me and mine! Listen, you are NOT being irrational. It is YOUR life, YOUR health, YOUR PACE and YOUR TERMS - you are absolutely right. Stick to your guns, and just tell him - enjoy yourself at the dinner! Have fun! etc. You aren't going. Period. If it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. That's all there is to it. You have a schedule to keep, and you can't let ANY one ruin it. Although, I do notice that (like me) you are still stuck in the "what if" mode. It's a tough nut to crack, isn't it? My therapist has me doing something called "mindfulness". It's a very zen approach to "living in the now". You should Google the word "mindfulness" and see what comes up - that's what I did, and there is more than a little bit of free information on the subject, and a little free advice/guidance. It's worked wonders for me - and I've only been doing it for a week. Here's a crazy idea: why don't you ask you husband if they would agree to come to your house for dinner instead? That way, instead of worrying about having a meltdown in a public place, you can concentrate on making the house look great and planning the menu while your husband is out of town. Also, you will be more in control, and if you feel flighty, you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom, or suggest that you all sit outside for a drink (get some air), etc. The main thing is, you will be in familiar surroundings! I think it's the perfect solution! But, whatever you decide... good luck to you my friend! xoxo Brenda
Brenda9
Thats for all your advice Brenda! That is what Husband said initially is that we could meet them at our place, but then he started to suggest else where. Just an hour ago we got into a spat about it again and its obvious there was miscommunication somewhere. All is resolved because we sat down and really talked it over. He gets it: I am not ready but we will see how I will be when he gets back...perhaps we can have it here. Who knows- I will just remain positive as nothing is written in stone. :)
OpheliaRising
I know it's hard when you feel like your concerns and feelings don't matter. I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you but sadly I don't. I hope things get better soon.
HUGS
childofgrace