OpheliaRising's Journal

"Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is." – Aleksei Peshkov

Earlier this spring Husband bought me two rose bushes- one pink and one white. They are the kind that given a lattice and they will climb to the heavens. My whole life I had wanted my own roses and now they are blossoming as beautiful as ever.

It is a crisp morning here in Texas but the unseasonable heat is just around the corner for the day. Husband is out on the porch with our two dogs sipping his coffee and having a conversation with God. That is when he counts his blessings, gives thanks and also prays. It seems he has a lot to go over blessings wise, thank you wise, as well as needing a little guidance, but who doesn’t right?

I was straightening up the kitchen when I had an urge to sit down and write. As I did so I started to think about my Grammie. I started to feel guilty for carrying on with my life after her passing. I wonder why it doesn’t hurt so much. Perhaps it’s because it’s her love that carries me on. I miss her no doubt, but she is someplace fantastic. She is journeying on. That makes me happy. I often wonder if we meet again will she be the young vibrant beauty she was or the woman I know with hair colored like snow and eyes that reflected a lifetime of wisdom. Will she remember me? Will she know who I am? Will she still love me? Does love really never fade? ~sighs~ I believe within my heart her love will never die.

Inside me I have so much to be proud of. I am slowly healing. I am taking baby steps which equal huge strides. I keep at it every day despite the fact I wish I could do more. However, I understand that in order to heal properly I must thoroughly understand what was “broke” in the first place. Onward I go setting small goals in an attempt at becoming the person I know I was meant to be. When will it stop being such a struggle? (Probably never as we will always have growing pains.)

I reflect upon my days. I am more relaxed with my schooling. So relaxed I am a head of schedule and getting a 96%. I know that sounds odd but usually I put so much pressure on myself that I fall behind and get all B’s. Now I am enjoying my class, I feel like I am learning more, and most importantly I feel confident!

The only thing I am having huge issues with is that my sleep schedule is all messed up. It’s hard for me to get things done around the house and the yard on this schedule so that must be fixed. Other then that I feel ok. Yes, ok and yanno what? That’s a start!

I am taking great pleasures in the very small things in life. I always have but it seems I appreciate them even more- The subtleties, ironic nature, and humor. Better yet my Husband just called me out to look at the three pink roses that just bloomed.

Afternoon:

I did something brilliant!

Exposure therapy is going quite well. I went and got my hair trimmed (first time in about 4 years.) without agonizing over it! I walked in confident, a little nervous but made it through. It seems however a lot of curve balls were thrown at me to test my anxiety level. I have very long red hair. All I wanted was a trim. The stylists that were free kept coming over and touching my hair as the girl trimmed my hair not to mention watching. Everyone kept complimenting my hair and at one point the whole shop was talking about my hair, wanting to feel it, and hold a conversation about how my hair is so healthy as well as how it holds the red really well. (Obviously I am not a natural redhead but several stylists thought I was because the color looks so well on me! LOL)

I hate strangers touching me. I can’t stand it and it causes a fight or flight response in me. Normally I would have told all of them get the hell away however I decided to roll with it, hold conversations, take the compliments etc.

After I paid, tipped the girl, and walked out Husband told me he was so proud of me. I am damn proud of myself as well. With a little bounce in my step we went to the book store. I went one way and Husband went the other. I poked around in the books so long by myself that Husband had to come and get ME to leave. LOL

YAY! For Me!

I hope all of you are well!

~Bright Blessings~
Rea