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I'm so worried over this potential cancer. It's all I can think about, when I'm not struggling to breathe, that is!! I feel bad, too, because my mom has a tendency to breathe "for me," like when I'm struggling for breath, she starts taking deep breaths too. I just keep thinking about that stupid biopsy and the fact that they went back for seconds on it!! Wasn't punching one chunk out of my scalp enough? Did they have to get two? But I talked to my pastor, who went through this seven or eight years ago, and he said this is normal procedure. I'll feel so much better when I get the results back. I hope it's just a lupus lesion and not cancer. My hair!! My long blonde hair!! All of it will fall out and I'll be bald!! I'll have to wear a wig!! I have suffered so much with this illness, this stupid lupus, and I have watched it tear apart my body and my life. I lost my fiancee and the children I would bear with him when he left me for another woman. I lost my potential career by not being able to complete college and later, grad school (seminary) because I had to come home and then I had to go on disability. How I wish I had a career and a life!! I was going to be a missionary or a college professor. I hate it that I still live with my parents and have so little spending money. My brother is a wildly successful engineer. I don't wish that bad things would happen to him, and I freely acknowledge that he had earned everything that he has. But I always assumed growing up that he and I would be about the same, success-wise, when we were grown. We both did well in school, scored well on tests, and all our teachers and our parents assumed we would both be successful in life. Well, he certainly is, but I feel like a big old failure. The medications probably contribute to those feelings, I know, but I can't help but feel that way. I'm so lonely, too, and I still miss my fiancee, Tim. How could he just abandon me? How could he decide that since I was sick, I was no longer worthy of being loved? I think that sums up what has bothered me all these years. He decided that since I was sick, I was no longer worthy of being loved. And that wasn't fair.
I just wish I could feel good for one day--just feel good for one day, all over, the whole day. Only I'd like to have advance notice, so I could do something special with that wonderful day, like go to Disney World or fly out to Cali, where my brother lives, and spend that day with him. Even if I didn't have advance notice, it would still be a great day. Can you imagine? No pain meds, no gunky lotion in my hair, no pain to begin with, it would be a fairy-land day. But I'm just kidding myself. Those kinds of days don't come to people saddled down with my sorts of physical problems. It'll just be pain and sickness and suffering until the end.
Well, my Sunday School lesson is studied, and I'm ready for church tomorrow. I just have to shower and wash my hair. That should be interesting--my hair is gunked up with Bactroban!! My mom said she'd iron my dress for tomorrow. I think she just finds my ironing efforts so frustrating that it's easier to do it herself. It's very important for me to look good when I go out. Who am I kidding--it's EXTREMELY important for me to look TERRIFIC when I go out. I absolutely have to look better than anyone else or I'm not happy. Of course all of that goes back to the abusive days with Mark but I'm too tired to write about that.....if I wasn't the most beautiful girl in sight I was always in danger of losing him, and he made that seem like the worst possible thing in the world.
I'll write more later, but I'm having trouble breathing right now. Hope anyone who reads this is doing well....
Shannon
