sweetshaygirl's Journal

I thought "teal" might be a nice choice for today's entry.  I know I haven't been on in a long time, and I'm planning on amending that, but I've been feeling so terrible that I haven't felt like sitting at the computer and writing.  I would have checked "terrible" for the longest time on the little faces if I had been logging on.

I don't even know where to begin on this message.  I'm dying.  That's what they're telling me now.  I just haven't really taken it in.  I think I'm still in "denial" mode.  This just can't be real.  I'm only thirty-five years old.  I've been through an awful lot, including having four major organs, even my stomach, removed, but I just can't die yet.  I still have things to do.  I have plans!!!  I have to see my three nephews grow up!!  We're moving to California and I'm going to be involved in their lives!!  I'm going to live with my brother!!  I'm going to be a published writer!!  I'm hesitant to send my completed stories in now, because they are a series that would entail approximately 20-25 books, and whereas I have six completed--enough to give a publisher a sample of my work and get the stories published--I don't want to commit to something that I can't finish.  Maybe I'll send them in if I finish the entire series so that even if I perish, the stories will go on.

I just don't have words to describe how I feel about this.  The only thing that buffers me up is that the doctors have told me that I'm dying so many times before and I've lived that I no longer believe them.  Still, this one is a shocker.  What has happened is that my immune system is so suppressed that I am getting all these severe infections--I've been on Cipro for a KILLER UTI for almost five months now--and I had a shot of an antibiotic, I forget what it was called, yesterday at the drs, because I have  really bad pneumonia now.

Well that's about all I have to say today.  God bless all who read this.

Love In Christ,

Shannon

I've been having a hard time lately...a lot of pain, but I try to keep my eyes turned upward to God's glorious Face.  Praise His Name, Glory!!  Well, I'm also very busy with this corresponce course I'm taking to get my Ceritified Minister's Degree--that's not the same as being a Licensed Minister, that's the next step, and I have about eight more classes to go before I can make that.  It's a long, hard road, but the goal ahead is definitely worth it.  Someday I want to have my doctorate.  So I've been really busy with all of that, when I'm not laying on my bed or on the couch screaming with pain because I feel like knives are ripping through my gut.  I've also lost almost ten pounds since I started this whole diet thing, and I guess that's because most of the weight is due to steroids.  I'm going to have to be near death to go on steroids again!!  I always gain weight like crazy when I'm on them.

Well that's about it for now.  Hope everyone's doing well.

Love To All,

Shannon

AAAAIIIIIGGGHHHH!!!!  I am in so much pain today; I feel like I can't stand it, and I can't stand not knowing if i have cancer or not much longer, though I will admit I do like playing around with those little stiches wires.  :)  Anyhow, I'm in too much pain to write for long today, so I'm just writing a quick entry to get out my feelings about this terrible disease.  I so wish my dad and sister didn't have to have it, too--I wish I could carry their pain for them.  As it is, I want to make things easier on them, but it seems like things are so hard for me that it's pretty much impossible to think ahead about others.  I do try, though.  It's getting harder.  I just am losing the capacity to reason the way I used to.  Very frustrating.

Must go...my back is killing me.