joankmli's Journal

the other night: which was weds night. i had a really bad depression. i had to call the suicide help hotline and the free counseling service that my job offers to us. my pdoc appt was not until the 18. but i had to call her and set an urgent appt yesterday. i was breaking down. i finally told her about my feelings and what was going on in my head. i told her about the recent suicidal thoughts and the sadness i felt. she was upset that i moved into a place and living alone. she told me that she did not want me to live by myself because i might go into a deep depression again. but i think that i will do fine. i told her i quit taking my anti depressant and she was upset about that too. so she placed me back on it and said that i will start to feel better. i love my pdoc. she makes me feel good. she says that i am special to her and she likes me alot. she take good care of me when it comes to my mental health.

i went to work today. super anti social. it's like i want to start conversation but can never get out of my shyness. so i become withdrawn alot of the time. i'm gonna start going to this social group called: overcomming shyness. it's at the same mental health center that i go to for bipolar and depression group. they also have schizophrenics anonymous there. i love that place. it makes me realize that i am not alone. i'm am lonely at this time because of my big move, so i will be at the center more often.

i used to write poetry alot but creativity is not as good as it used to be. i'll try to get back into it because i enjoyed it so much. i gotta get back into finding a hobby. that will help me to get out of my lonelyness. i feel as though i have too much time to think now and i think of sad things alot which makes me sad. and thats not good. that is how i fell into depression this week.

i must learn to think positive.

well thats all for now. i hope everyone is doing well.