ellenthomas2's Journal

i feel like my world is crashing down around me. in the silence i cry, and in fron of everybody else i try and put on a happy face. everything i have loved(excluding my son) i wanting to have nothing to do with me and it hurts. i feel like it's all my fualt somehow even though it isn't all my fault. i get depressed easily and i don't know how to deal with certain issues.

i wish i could salvage my marriage even though thy guy doesn't offer a whole lot, but i still love him? why? why can't i bring myself to get over him? he's already moved on and that seems to dig a little deeper because we're still not legally separated or divorced, so why is he feeling like he should be fucking other girls? was is something i did maybe? ugh, i just wish i had everything back in order, back in it's neat little place where it all belongs. but instead i feel frazzled, distraught, emotional, angry, sad..............i wanna find all the pieces to the puzzle and fit them all back together. i want to go back, where we went wrong and change things from happening. why why why.

all day i've been having a line from a song stuck in my head, "do you feel like a man when you push her around?" why is this going through my head? is this how i should be feeling, cuz it's how i DO feel. why do i just keep asking myself why, i'm not getting answers. why do i let people walk all over me? cuz i am the nice guy i don't like hurting people's feelings, so where did i fuck up? how's it all my fault. i've said i'd try. we tried and i was scared of hurting anybody else, so i decided to run from what i hold dear. STUPID. i quit my job. STUPID. i take the shit m husband dishes out. STUPID. i put on a front. STUPID. why am i so stupid? why do i do these things that aren't halping me out any? i hate asking all these why's. i want eveything. i will have (technically still am) been married for a year on the seventh of this month. it hurts so bad and deep to know that it was thrown away so quickly, with a beautiful son in the picture, when we could have pushed through a few mstakes. i wish the other side felt the same way. but he doesn't. instead h keeps bringing up the past and trying to cover up by fucking another girl while he's still married!!!!!!!!!! i don't get it and i don't know what it will take to get passed this all....any advice? please respond friends it would mean a lot to me.