ellenthomas2's Journal

so, i realize my journaling has been somewhat useless seeing as how i hve not written in ages.

so for that i appologize.

lets see what i cn give evryone an update on....

dante will be a year next weekend! i cant believe how fast the time has gone. i think to myself, WHERE DID IT GO? what just happened? i gave birth to a baby in what seems like just days ago, and now i have a little BOY walking and babbling in front of my very eyes!  it's so cute cuz he waves at everything, from his food, to lamps, to strangers(scary) and he dances and jumps. he's quite a brilliant kid already. he just went to the doctors and the doctor guestimated he was going to be near ten feet at full height. he's already almost three feet! (33in) half his height at age one. CRAZY! 

as far as the marriage...........fun situation. NOT! we still havent filled any paperwork. im still in love with him,and i dont even know why. he says he has no feelings for me anymore, but sometimes he is very misleading. leads me on, makes me think he is still into me. we still have sex occasionally, ever since he's not with that skank anymore...(the one that he "supposedly" got pregnant") (they havent talked in weeks and i guess she moved in with some of the guys she works with, and rumor has it that if she's pregnant she's already showing, and if thats the case the IT"S NOT HIS!) today we went to the movies, and it just depresses me that i cant even hold his hand when im cold. im afraid to ry, but im also afraid of being rejected. i already feel like i am though. and i just wish that he'd let me love him for who he is. to give us another chance. i hate the idea of divorce. i made a vow, a promise, and all i want to do is keep that. i dont want my child messed up because of a broken family.bleh, to the whole situation. i think he's just comfortable where he's at. he has the freedom to not be in a committed relationship, but at the same time nothing is finalized so i still feel like he should either get on the paperwork, or work things out with me. am i wrong to think so? i think mayeb some sort of finalization one way or another, would put some ease to my mind. i feel like everything is still up in the air. like a cloud.

i have been working at starbucks, which is good and bad both at the same time. good because i have a job and i am doing very well. (im partner of the month!) but bad because it doesnt pay nearly enough, and i want to get a place of my own. also because i am consuming way too many sugary drinks and i feel it is starting to show on my figure. i think, liquids, no biggie. but then after a while i start to feel it in my butt when i walk, my lovehandles when i throw on a shirt, and my attitude in just the knowledge that i feel like im failing. i have not really been getting sick (BP) a whole lot which might be good, but makes me feel bad becasue of the results.

also ALSO, i am currently on the depo shot, and my cyce has been totally messed up. i bleed mike light heavy very light, it depends but ALL the time. im like never off. it's worrying me...also im starting to wonder if i am pregnant or if these things i am feeling are the side effects of te birth control. my boobs are getting bigger...and kinda hurt. i am gaining weight. and i keep feeling like this kicking sensation in my stomach and usually at night i can watch my stomach and something inside of it literally rolls and i can see it. im wondering if it is just gas maybe? i ave taken pregnancy tests but they all come back negative. i keep reading about all this stuff, where woman are still bleeding, negative test reults, pregnancy symptoms and actually end up being pregnant...........any words of advice or comfort from anyone? i would really appreciate any whatsover cuz i am going crazy over here.

man when i write, i guess i really write!

talk to you all hopefully soon!