premiermois's Journal

Bleh, so, nothing really all that new here. Still sticking to my schedule, not losing weight, actually I think I'm still gaining slowly. Anyway, all seems fine to me. Almost perfect.

Good news, but I still think it's really ridiculous because it's not a big accomplishment. So you know I've been eating the exact same things the entire summer, no joke. That's how I'm gonna start this off, to make sure I'm not being overwhelmed by eating a normal amount, at first... anyway, though I still haven't moved on to a variety of foods, the summer is coming to an end and I've kicked the habit of counting calories for each meal [even though it was always the same, I still counted, until recently]. So I'm gonna get used to doing that now. Maybe it's not a big step, because I still know how much I eat, in the back of my mind, but the act of just not counting calories has got to start somewhere... my next step is moving off of having the exact same meals, same portions, same time, every day... and moving on to varying my diet, not counting calories obsessively. Maybe at first a little, to make sure I'm not having way too much or way too little? That's going to be one of the scariest steps in COMPLETELY overcoming this. Cause I've got the whole eating-enough thing down now. Anyway. I'm still uncomfortable eating in front of people, and I'll have to confront that at work and school that's coming up now soon. Ehh =/ 

Also, today I did something I have never done in a year and some! Every day, I normally get up, have coffee, wait a while, then eat breakfast. I wouldn't let myself have any other calories before breakfast. Well today, there was a carton of orange juice sittin in the fridge. Without thinking too much of it, I picked up the carton and there was maybe a half-cup's worth of juice still in there. So while I thought, why not? Ed was trying to tell me "remember, you can't have anything besides coffee before breakfast! You don't know how many calories are in there!" but I barely heard him. I mean, for a moment I was like, "yeah, maybe I should just stick to my shedule...." but I won this one, cause what I actually did was finish off the orange juice without another thought. I just thought, "whatever Ed, it's just juice, for the love of God, shut up. It's not going to make a dent in me." and left it at that. So yay (: It's a small, small step in going off of my routine diet, but hey... baby steps, right?

So here's the really lame part. Yesterday I was invited to hang with friends on saturday from 10am til whenever, probably later at night. Lunch was from 2-3. I was thinking... "ahh, nope, not gonna go that early because then I can't stick to my schedule. I don't know when I could go on my run, and I won't know what I'm eating. NO WAY." so I lied to my friend and told her that I had to work and I'd come later. Later meaning, after I had finished my run and I was "safe". Ah well. I can't expect everything from myself too soon right?