premiermois's Journal

Doin much much better than my last journal. I'm going strong now, so strong, that I HARDLY, at all, hear Ed anymore.

I still exercise and keep my same calorie amount and I know this, but my weight hasn't dropped, I'm learning to accept my body and still eat even when I don't feel like it, for any reason, I've learned to truly realize that there is such a thing as a temporarily expanded stomach and it's natural and necessary, and NOT me actually magically fatter, as Ed still *tries* to convince me. I'm okay with the parts of my day where I eat food and not take a walk, or run, or do anything but just sit around for a while. I CAN DO THAT NOW!!! WITHOUT GUILT!!! And let me tell you it is so effffffffing amazing. 

I'm slowly working to expand my diet to something less routine and exact, and being okay with not exercising every day (ugh that's gonna be like the last thing to go haha).  However, for the first time in a year, I'm going on vacation.

Yep. On the 28th I'm going to my gramma's cabin. That means I won't have my treadmill for at least one day. I won't be able to keep my same food schedule, or at least not easily. And why not take that chance at change? Maybe it'll be good. And I've learned over the past 2 months of my new recovery that 1. weight gain/gaining fat/looking bigger is absolutely impossible to occur over the course of a night. Or two, or three. So this vacation is in fact not going to make me look or weigh any different, Ed. so STFU dumbass. And 2. Even if I did somehow gain weight, pigs will indeed have to sprout purple polka dotted wings and perform circus tricks in the air before I, or anyone on this earth, will notice it. And it isn't a permanent sentence. And even if it is, I have it coming anyway, cause I got at least 10 more pounds to go before I can even think about maintaining permanently.

I'm taking it so, so slowly. But I am gaining. Been on my recovery schedule for 2 months tomorrow, or maybe it's 7 weeks... anyway, in all that time, I've gained 1.8-2 pounds. To any professional, that would be a failure because it's not fast enough for them. Well too fuckin bad, the way you did it never stuck with me, so it's my way now. And guess what, it works. I accept my weight, when it's going up at MY PACE. My pace is the only pace that I've accepted and kept weight restoration. And if it's going to take another year before I gain just 10 pounds... if that's what it takes for me to truly overcome Ed and accept my weight, then so be it. I won't go anyone else's fuckin 1-month gain period if I can't handle it that quickly and end up losing it all again. There's no point. 

This works for me, I love it, and no one in this galaxy is going to change that without one hell of a fight going down. This is what works for me... what I don't understand is why no one else is okay with that.

 However, with fantastic success in terms of Ed... comes a colossal failure at work. First day on the job, and I realize exactly why I never wanted to be a cashier. Was nervous, had a hard time remembering what button to push and when and what it meant and getting the right change and putting it in the right spot and giving it to the person who's already impatient with me and to top it all off, I am extremely, incredibly shy and awkward around anyone and everyone. Holy failure. Bah. If I were training me, I wouldn't want me to come back.

PS - CHECK OUT MY GOAL PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!