premiermois's Journal

well gee. I don't know what to call today, success or failure. Probably failure, in both ways. I skipped lunch and dinner, with a grand total of about 1050 calories sitting in me today. I feel that's still too much, I shoulda done better than that. I don't look like I weigh what I weigh. I don't. I look healthy and normal and not thin. I want to look thin damnit. I want people to tell me how thin I am. But hardly anyone did even at my lowest weight. There's something about me that makes me look heavier than I am and I hate it. Why why why WHY? I'm a failure even by genetics. Obviously if no one is noticing I'm dropping weight then I'm still eating too much. But I don't want to go completely hungry, do I? Sort of, I remember how great it feels at the same time it feels nauseating. I am a failure at this. I am weak. I want them all to let me get super skinny. I don't want them to interfere. I want to see bones. more bones. I want to accomplish something.