premiermois's Journal

I don't know how to feel about today. I was totally set on not having lunch. Totally, completely committed to it. I was at ease. Then lunch rolls around and I feel really anxious and guilty about skipping, but horribly, horribly afraid of walking to my locker and getting it and eating it... I was so, so scared. But I thought for a moment, how this feeling was Ed, and he's only trying to hurt me and that I should stand up to him. And at the last moment, I did. I had lunch. Obviously felt like crap after and found every excuse possible to walk around as much as I could the rest of the school day. Felt so ashamed of "giving in" and "being weak".

And as usual I'm having a minor issue with my post-run snack because I'm gonna feel guilty for having 1350 calories today when I finish it. I feel that's way too much. I was so close to having under 1000. So close.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. I'll even prepare for it. But I don't want to eat 1350, even 1400 calories tomorrow. That's too much. I won't be thin anymore if I eat that much. I'm scared.