premiermois's Journal

I'll update today in case anyone still checks up here. This likely is one of my last times writing in a journal entry or really being on here.

In the good way; I've been doing so fantastically for the most part. My weight has gone up another 2lbs-ish, and I've gained a total of 3-4 1/2 pounds since June. I know it's not much to be proud of but this is the only way I've been able to be completely okay with it and still be eating what I should be and actually feeling fine about it. In recent days I've done something I've not been able to do for quiiiiite a while now, actually I think it's the first time on my own choices since this whole shpiel started: I allowed myself to have some "junk" food. Then again, it was only five french fries here; maybe five cheetos there. But it was honestly something I never let myself do for the longest time, for ED reasons. And I'm slowly getting past that now!! My body image is doing pretty well. I RARELY feel guilty about eating anymore, and I'm getting used to eating in front of others again, although at home it's still an issue, I don't know why. Basically everything that could be going right has been - except one thing.

Exercise obsession. I actually don't know if obsession is the right word, since I don't really do any more than I've prepared to do. But coming up this Saturday will be the 7th consecutive month that I've been on my treadmill, literally every single day. Somehow I've managed it. Through aches and pains and minor foot injuries and not feeling well and feeling very tired, I've run through it all. Literally. And now I'm being faced with the extreme challenge of balancing school, after-school activity, work, and homework, and my exercise. I refuse, for ED reasons exactly, to skip a single day of working out; to skip a day for any reason. Right now I've had an overstretched anterior tendon [the inside part near my ankle on my right foot] for a week and some. Hurts when I touch it, when I walk, etc. I've RUN through it. I refuse to let any injury keep me from exercising for the worst reasons... Ed. On the bright side though, it's not getting to be anything like hours and hours of obsession over exercise. It's just the same amount, every day. Or I would probably lose it. That's really the only thing standing in the way of me considering myself almost completely recovered. It's something I don't want to change though. =/ This is going to be the absolute hardest thing to do, because if I slack in exercise, I know I'll slack in calories, and maybe it'll be a spiral downhill again. Bleh I don't know. So far it's working out for me. [HAHA I just caught that pun as I typed it!!]There will come a day where I'll have to face that fear, but for the time being, I'll settle as-is. Taking my time in this seems to have gotten me farther than any other way I have tried. But I won't stop trying to improve.

So I guess that's it. Unless I fall back into old habits, I really won't be stopping by here much anymore. Bless you all, thanks for supporting me and comforting me. I will be praying for the people here, and that you all someday find peace and freedom too.

Bleh, so, nothing really all that new here. Still sticking to my schedule, not losing weight, actually I think I'm still gaining slowly. Anyway, all seems fine to me. Almost perfect.

Good news, but I still think it's really ridiculous because it's not a big accomplishment. So you know I've been eating the exact same things the entire summer, no joke. That's how I'm gonna start this off, to make sure I'm not being overwhelmed by eating a normal amount, at first... anyway, though I still haven't moved on to a variety of foods, the summer is coming to an end and I've kicked the habit of counting calories for each meal [even though it was always the same, I still counted, until recently]. So I'm gonna get used to doing that now. Maybe it's not a big step, because I still know how much I eat, in the back of my mind, but the act of just not counting calories has got to start somewhere... my next step is moving off of having the exact same meals, same portions, same time, every day... and moving on to varying my diet, not counting calories obsessively. Maybe at first a little, to make sure I'm not having way too much or way too little? That's going to be one of the scariest steps in COMPLETELY overcoming this. Cause I've got the whole eating-enough thing down now. Anyway. I'm still uncomfortable eating in front of people, and I'll have to confront that at work and school that's coming up now soon. Ehh =/ 

Also, today I did something I have never done in a year and some! Every day, I normally get up, have coffee, wait a while, then eat breakfast. I wouldn't let myself have any other calories before breakfast. Well today, there was a carton of orange juice sittin in the fridge. Without thinking too much of it, I picked up the carton and there was maybe a half-cup's worth of juice still in there. So while I thought, why not? Ed was trying to tell me "remember, you can't have anything besides coffee before breakfast! You don't know how many calories are in there!" but I barely heard him. I mean, for a moment I was like, "yeah, maybe I should just stick to my shedule...." but I won this one, cause what I actually did was finish off the orange juice without another thought. I just thought, "whatever Ed, it's just juice, for the love of God, shut up. It's not going to make a dent in me." and left it at that. So yay (: It's a small, small step in going off of my routine diet, but hey... baby steps, right?

So here's the really lame part. Yesterday I was invited to hang with friends on saturday from 10am til whenever, probably later at night. Lunch was from 2-3. I was thinking... "ahh, nope, not gonna go that early because then I can't stick to my schedule. I don't know when I could go on my run, and I won't know what I'm eating. NO WAY." so I lied to my friend and told her that I had to work and I'd come later. Later meaning, after I had finished my run and I was "safe". Ah well. I can't expect everything from myself too soon right?

Alright so I'm going to mention a couple numbers here.

So here's how I've been doing. The same. When I started eating a normal amount, at the beginning of this summer, maybe almost 2 months now. I was 88/89lbs then, now I'm 91. Glad to say I've not noticed a difference in my body. Except I don't want to keep gaining another 10 pounds. This is enough. I'm totally healthy otherwise. I eat enough. Here's what I do now, I think it's pretty darn good:

have breakfast, 

take a walk

snack,

do nothing...

pre-running carb load up, aka "lunch,"

run 45 minutes, burn off "lunch"

post-running "dinner" which is mostly fruits and veggies.

 sometimes do nothing, sometimes take a walk, sometimes make use of a couple weights and an arm band.

I'm happy doing that for the most part. That's the good news of the summer. The other news is that I still have some work to do, but it's less important.

I still need to work on not having the exact same things to eat, literally, every single day. And not hating it or being afraid of that.

I need to one day realize it's okay to take a break from running for a day [still haven't taken a day off in a whole six months. I'm very proud of my consistency and fitness now!], while still eating the same amount. Or at least just taking a break for a day.

I should probably work on not being afraid of sweets still. 

That's really all that's left of Ed. And really, that's not much at all. :)