BillW's Journal

This week has been a little tough. Shot 30. I went to the Dr. and explained some of my symptoms. Before talking to her, I never connected the dots. For the last 2 weeks, my sleep has been more messed up than usual. Can't fall asleep and can't stay asleep. She said some bipolar symptoms have shown up. Nothing too major. I've never had bipolar before, but do have ADD. So mental stuff I had to watch out for. For the last 2 weeks, I've had a hard time concentrating without judging. I get mad easier. And the crying spells have gotten a little more intense. The day after my shot, I cried twice for 5 minutes in the morning and at night. All of a sudden, I'm overcome with a strong feeling of sadness for no particular reason. Then, when I stop crying, it's just over and I can't even remember being sad. I guess some people get depressed on tx and my minor bipolar has shown up as some mania. It's gotten to the point where I have to work out every day to just help me manage my emotions. Even then it's just a band-aid. So I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm insane right now. I should be on med's, but I'm a very stubborn person and will refuse. I don't feel suicidal, just kind of homicidal or intolerant. The good thing is that none of this applies to my wife. I just like to be alone with her and just be close. It just seems like dealing with the rest of the world makes me crazy. The hard part is that you want to talk to people about what's going on, and you do, but in my head I still feel kind of isolated, alone, or like they really don't understand what's going on. So I've decided to make no major life decisions until after tx. I'm not working right now and doing O.K. with that, so all I really have to do at this point in my life is to finish tx. I have nobody to impress. My main thing is to stay out of prison (not to do anything violent towards anyone) and to stay married to my wife. If at any point I feel that either of these 2 things are in jeopardy, then I will definately get on some psych med's.