CHRISSI6674's Journal

Journal Entry for January 16, 2008 Mood

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

hello all! first of all i'd like to say thank you for all your recent help with the personal problems i was having. while i will be keeping my eyes more open i'd prefer to just let it go instead of driving my self nuts about it. i can't get the straight of it all anyway. i thought long and hard about it all and i'm not ready to let my husband go over it. i can tell he's not lying when he saids he didn't sleep with her but i can tell he's lying about calling her. he always does a certain thing when he's lying and he doesn't even realize he does it. i won't give that secret away just incase he reads this. he doesn't read my ds stuff that i know of but as recent events have shown i can never be to sure. i know that i could easily make myself insane over all of this but the last time i let myself get that mentally down i became suicidal so rather then do that i'll just leave it alone. right now my hubby is sick with the flu and i'm finding it very hard to pet him when i'd really like to smack him for the recent heartache he's caused me. like my mom said though if you want to have a health marriage then when you say your going to let something go you can't bring it up and throw it in their faces over and over. dear god give me streath not to whip this man's butt. anyway i think it's to soon for me to have to care for him while he's sick. he is the typical male whinny baby when he's sick. he's going to the dr's today. i can't believe he had enough nerve to ask me if i would take him and i said no and used my low immune system as an excuse. i guess it wouldn't be nice to tell him that i'd like to pinch his little head off still [both heads] ok ok i have to play nice. i already smacked him a few times and ofcourse it didn't make me feel any better. plus i don't even believe in hitting but when i could tell he was lying i couldn't help it. i'll pray for forgiveness! dear god please forgive me and give me streath not to choke this man. hee hee ya know i don't really trust any man good LORD my own dad was a whore "THIS IS A PEICE OF MY PAST I GUESS I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND" If you can't trust your own daddy who can you trust. i did however believe in my hubby more then any other man i know. i would hate to find out he's more like my dad then i thought. my dad is one of those men that loved having a wife and happy home life with kids and pets and etc. but he also loved having 2-5 women on the side at all times. he would even take me to play with these different womens kids if they had any and you could just watch all those women melt over him . i guess my dad was a hell of a talker because he has never been a looker. i comfronted him once and asked him why he didn't marry one of the nicer women because i didn't like my stepmom at all. she hated me because i was his child by another woman his first wife. i could tell when she was around me that she had to force her self to deal with me. what really bothered me was that my dad treated her 2 sons like they were his own. well i guess all of the bull with my dad must be on my mind today. my dad disowned me because his dog/an akita attacked my daughter when she was two and i had to go to court and tell them what all had happened and they made him have the dog put to sleep. that dog was way more important to him then me or my child. he didn't even go with me to the er that day and two days latter he hadn't even called me to ask how my daughter was doing. i was shocked when i called to talk to him he just said you can stay down there and i'll stay up here in my neck of the woods and keep my dog. i guess the cops and animal control had went up there that evening and put his dog in quorintine because it hadn't had any shots. i didn't even know it. they asked me if the dog had had it's shots and i told them probably not because he never took his animals to the vet not even when they were sick. anyway nobody told me that animal control was going up there to investagate but if they had i would have thought it was the right thing to do my baby was scared for life and the bite barely missed her juggler vein. as far out in the country as my dad lives my baby would have died before we made it to the hospital she had 7 stitches about an inch from her juggler vein and 3 stitches right above that and her eye lid was hanging by a hair on each side plus she had a small putcher [spelling drawing a blank] on the inter corner of her eyeball. with all of that and the pictures the d.a had of courtny after surgery the judge ordered the dog put to sleep and my dad hasn't spoken to me since he has however told a few friends of mine that he wishes i would let him see his grandchild but he does want anything else to do with me . i'm sure by now he knows i have a son. boy would he be shocked if he seen my him. he looks more like a reagan then i do. it is unreal! my mom use to baby sit a little boy around the same age as my son and she ran it to him at a resturant she said he just kept looking at that little boy she said i know he thought jj was yours. mom said he acted like it really bothered him and even though they were done eatting they stayed there and mom ended up leaving before he did she said he started going to pay when she got up like he wanted to say something but she[being the smart lady she is] had done gave her friend the money to pay and so she just walked straight out to her car. she said when she looked up at him he was trying to hurry up and pay and she just drove off.i thought it was sad but he chose to have it that way. ya know. anyway a few monthes latter my one aunt/ on my dad's side who stayed talking to me called to tell me my dad was having heart surgery so i sent him a stuffed animal with balloons and a card with my new phone number and add. on it and he never even responded. i think i'm better off without him because of the drugs and pot. i wouldn't want my babies around that kind of crap anyway. i think my mom has more then made up for the lack of a dad anyway. i guess what has got this all on my mind again is my 10 yr old keeps asking me about who my dad is and why we don't see him and etc. since my hubby's dad past away 5 yrs ago courtny has been more and more curious. i really just avoid answering her for the most part. my hubby just saids that when she gets a little older maybe she will uderstand that sometimes people just do things we don't understand. i could never disown one of my kids for anything ever! how does a person do that? well i guess i got all that off my chest for now. any comments you all might want to give are welcome. thank you all so much for always being here to listen. ds has really given me an outlet to let my emotions out and get things that bother me off my chest. i soooooo needed it. well bye for now! i love u guy's! may god bless and keep u! lol! xoxoxoxox lylas,christi