needhope's Journal

Remembering Mood

Saturday, April 12, 2008 | A General Update story

So its very late here and everyone is in bed. For some reason the grief washed over me again. The memories of my angel babies. I think of it every day at one point or another. but the thoughts usually come and go. But tonight The thoughts and memories of the awfulness of it all hit me like a huge wave. Maybe it is Mothers Day Approaching. I cry tears for my little ones. No one could ever take my sweet Jordans place nor would I trade him for anything. But I wonder what they would have been,who they would have been, what they looked like, what would I have named them. I never named them. I never gave myself permission. Thinking Dh would call me silly. I would never name them without discussing it with him. I feel like they should have a name. Maybe one day when I am feeling brave about asking him about it I will. I remember on my second loss, My mom said in her mind as she was praying she saw a hand holding a baby in the palm of it. Then on another miscarriage site the same day a woman told me that Jesus held my baby in the palm of his hand. Then after I miscarried My aunt sent me a card with two outstretched palms on the front. I know it was Gods way of showing me he had that baby and my other baby in his hands. I often ask God when I pray to tell them that I love them and miss them and that I can't wait to see them one day. Oh what a joyful day that will be when I get to finally hold them in my arms. When I get feeling sad I go watch the video at www.Ispokewithmychild.com It is just so beautiful. I cry my tears and have a moment of grieving. I am glad for that video. What a beautiful reminder of my babies in heaven.

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My sister had three mc's, she never named them. I guess I can understand early on however one she lost at 6mos. I don't know, I guess it is just up to you and what you feel is right for you. Maybe you could talk with your DH, let him know what you feel and let him know how much it would mean to you to give them names. It might bring you closer to peace with it all. I can't imagine losing a child at any stage. I am so glad you have that little cutie Jordy in your arms now to help heal your pain. And what a cutie that little boy is too!! {{Hugs}}

Diem
Sending you big hugs my friend. I think of all our angel babies playing up there in heaven. I too am looking forward to the day when meeting him or her. Until then enjoy little Jordan. He is an angel on earth.

joyce19974
You are allowed to have these sad moments. They never made it to this world, but they were stll your babies. I think maybe naming them would maybe allow you to put them to rest in your heart until you get to see them again in God's kingdom. Definitely talk to your DH and tell him how you're feeling. I know that God sent you Jordan to help heal some of your pain and he seems to be doing a good job ;o) Go ahead and cry the tears for your little angel babies b/c no one can ever replace them, but know that they are watching over you and your beautiful family :)

atlmommy
I can relate. We've never named our angel babies either - I think my DH would think it was goofy. He would do it for me, but I don't think his heart would be in it. I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

cherbear74
I've never chosen names. I want to but can't quite bring myself to do it. Too overwhelming. I'm sorry your grief hit you hard again. But you've had a lot to grieve. Glad you have Jordan to cuddle though. Take care. Sending a cuddle your way. x x x

GillC
I don't think I would've ever found the peace I did in losing Lily without naming her. It personalized her existence in my life and really gave me a place I could go to in remembering her. She deserved that type of honor...and so do the angel babies you lost. I know the loss you feel and when I hurt, I often turn to that video; I turn into a babbling idiot everytime I watch it. But, during the video, I remember Lily and the immense joy that precious girl brought to my life...and that makes remembering her all that more beautiful to me.

misypris
I think it is normal to have times like these. DH and I found ourselves greiving Ava more after Ann was born. It was like we realized what we missed. Hugs!

dorothiec