KDraider16's Journal

Still Learning How to Bend- Gary Allen

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'm still learning how to bend

Right so where to begin? Gues I could start with....

EMILY IS IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN!

Yep she is! And it's amazing! I did it! I said that I would get her back there get us back there and I did! i feel great about it! Everything is falling into place. Hillary is out of the picture for good. My college is coming together. Everything is falling into place. all is great. I finally decided what I'm gonna major in...COMPUTERS! I figured that if theres a chance that I can't be a cop and I have a social work degree I'm not gonna be happy being a social worker. Whereas if I have a computer degree and I can't be a cop I'll be happy doin something with computers. So I figured it out I feel better. I haven't felt this happy and calm with myself since I accepted that I was gay. This is great. And even tho I have all the people that supported me months ago and telling me that its great htat I'm going to colorado turning around and trying to get me to stay in NY and that going to CO is a bad idea, i don't care. I'm leaving NY. If i stay here I'm only gonna be in limbo going in a big curcle for the rest of my life. My dad tells me he wishes I would just stay here and go to Canton and get my feet wet before I head out there. Yeah...I'veh ad my feet wet for 18 years...feet wet in MUD and I'm getting my feet the hell out of here before the mud dries. If I stay here another year I'm stuck here for the rest of my life. If I don't get out of here now when I'm ready and willing then I never will. I'm killing two birds with one stone by moving to colorado and getting my degree out there. I'm going for computers, where I am now computers won't get you anywhere and I'll have to move anyway, so why not do it now. It would be no different money wise. my whole life I've been told go to college where you want and do what you want cause if you don't you won't be happy. That's what I'm doing. I'm not happy here. I''m MISERABLE here! I hate this place. I leaving. I'm out of here in 3 weeks. I'm sick of NY. And if I don't get out of here I'll never move on from my rape and my abuse. I can't move on when I wake up every morning and everywhere I look I have the reminders of it! You can't move on with that. It's impossible. And I refuse to forget it and get past it. No you gotta deal and then heal. I can't deal here. No this isn't me running away from the problem oh no it me getting out to open my mind to accept and process it all. That's what I'm doing. I gotta move on. and I want to go far and that's what I'm doing. I'll learn from my mistakes and I'll gladly let people tell me I told you so when it all goes bad. But I'm Katie and I do whatever the hell I want and say whatever the hell I want and that's why I'm so liked and looked up to, and here I am doing what I want. Give it up, you didn't get my to change my mind when I first started thinking about it 10 months ago and you're certainly not gonna get me to chance my mind 10 months later when I'm 3 weeks away from my freedom. Give up. I'm ready for my release. not only that but every since I was a kid I said I'd move out west and here I am moving out west. It seems that everyhting I said I'd do as a kid is coming true...funny that. Anyway....

COLORAOD HERE I COME! MY FUTURE HOME SWEET HOME.

AND I LOVE YOU EMILY-ANN!