Eliza's Journal

so i recently went on vacation and and my friends kept meeting guys and going to the beach to make out with them--i never met anyone until our last nite there--and it is funny becuase when i finally did meet someone--while it felt good--in the sense that someone was attracted to me and gave me attention--it wasn't what i wanted--i was like okay never mind--i don't even like to dance facing a guy--back to my fear of intimacy--or in this case any kind of closeness whatsoever---i hate that i am like this---then we were going to meet up at the beach--but unfortunatly/fortunatly he had no ride to the beach--and i wasn't really all that disappointed--and i was temped to make it work and find a way for him to get to the beach but my lack of confidence kicked in again--and i was thinking..."well what if he sees me again and rethinks his really wanting to hang out..."--that maybe the lighting was poor and he didn't really see me---i mean come on i was wearing shorts--and i was all sweaty from dancing--so that fear---it is so paralyzing (fear of intimacy)--i don't think i will ever be that person that can meet someone and be automatically attracted to them--like i mean i can think there cute---but not like a i"'ve met you once lets go makeout" or just off meeting then dating---i need to be friends with them first---i have to know know them--i have to be friends with them---the big thing is i have to feel comfortable with them---key word there comfortable....how do i find that---i do i become comfortable with a guy when the world we live in isn't very patient in this area--in that people date and they makeout---then 2nd base---etc.---i wish i was different---even liquid courgage aka alcohol doesn't make me any different---i might be a little bit more flirtatous--but i still am not up for intimacy--where can i either find somebody who can be patient with me or how do i get over this paralyzing fear--i know the more you do something the easier it gets---but i can't  even get to step one---yet to repeat it and go further---i fear that i am going to be alone---and it terrifies me how to get past my fear?