DJH's Journal

The Third Child Dilemna Mood

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Inspired by our new DS blogs, I thought I'd write about a topic on my mind at the moment...whether to have a 3rd child or not.

Our kids are now almost 6 and 3.5, and the window for us to have another kid, if we want to, is rapidly closing. I've always been somewhat set against the idea, for two reasons:

a) I'm selfish. I love my kids and I give so much to them, so much that I find myself exhausted at the end of the day. I have mentally accepted the fact that I will give much of my waking hours to these kids for as long as they want it, and I often make choices based on their needs versus my own. All that said, I think of the day that my son enters college and my wife and I, at not too old of an age, can begin to do many of the things that having a child at home prevents. If we have another kid, that pushes that date back another 6 years or so...that's a long time.

b) I want to do more with less, rather than less with more. I want to have an intimate relationship with each of my kids, and I find that challenging when another person is thrown into the mix. Knowing their friends and teachers, or even simply attending 3 soccer games in a weekend - these things get harder when you've got 3 kids to know and love deeply. Is it impossible? Of course not. But I strive to find quality time with my kids, and it's already hard enough as a working dad to get those precious hours. I fear that splitting our family's time even further will push us into more of a logistical role and chaos than I'd like.

There are other reasons as well, such as the cost of raising children, but it's the above two that have been on my mind.

Now that said, I can appreciate the appeal of having a 3rd kid. I caught myself looking at old baby pix of our daughter just the other day, and yeah, the nostalgia can be tempting. Like any parent, I can feel our older child starting to become quite independent (although she still won't get out of her own bed in the morning), and we've probably got just a few more years before her friends become the center of her world. My wife wants a 3rd, and I can understand where she comes from.

Ultimately, I don't think there's an absolute answer here. Many folks pull from their own experience - my wife was an only child, so I think she's got romantic visions of a big family. I'm from a family of 2 kids, and it seemed to work for me and my sister...I see friends of all shapes and sizes, and of course, they all seem happy (minus the first 6 months of babyhood - that sucks no matter how you slice it).

Your thoughts?

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Comments

What about the environment? The US is consuming too much as it is. You would be adding just another Carbon Emitting, Consumer buying, food eating organism into the world.

crash
I Love Kids...But I think I have to agree with "option B" to Do MORE with Less, Is A hard decision, am glad you are the type to look at it from All Angles...I had my children when I was quite young, and found myself in my mid 30's REALLY wanting yet another child, but my illness decided that for me...

Take care and God Bless...Bonnie

DakotaRose
WOWWW, am certainly impressed with the depth in which you have so candidly explained your thoughts. As in most instances, it would certainly be nice to hear your wife's in depth thoughts to gain her perspective before rendering an opinion. In lieu of that, may I please offer you a few other considerations?

Having a third child does not have to limit the quality time we give to our children and, while they definitely need love and attention, I question if it is necessary or beneficial to give until you are exhausted. My mother once told me that I must be kind to myself, somewhat selfish of making time for myself (and a spouse) in order to stay happy and fulfilled and that only in that manner would I have the energy and ability to then give of myself to a child. Did find that to be true and was much happier when I instituted that philosophy and let go of the guilt that I simply could not meet my daughter's every need (I was a single parent trying to fulfill all the parental roles so she wouldn't feel deprived.)

Children have an insatiable appetite for our time. While you have shown yourself to be such a caring parent, perhaps another lesson a child needs to learn is that there are limits to the amount of time they can have with a parent or, really, with anyone else in their life. It begins to teach them boundaries that life will hit them with as they grow and it may be easier to learn a few boundaries earlier from one's parents. Without knowing and learning that, sometimes our children build up some unrealistic expectations that can not be met in the future by anyone else and that can be detrimental.

That said, there can be quality time developed with each child ... separately and independently for each child. Let's say every other Tuesday is an evening dedicated just to your son ... where you two go do something special ... whether it's play a game, go to the library, go to watch football, play at the park or go fishing. Then, on the opposing weeks, on any day you choose, you do the same with your daughter. It creates one-on-one time that makes special bonding memories that far exceed trying to keep everyone happy and give all the love you can each day. With the addition of a third child, you simply rotate once every three weeks or have the first week be with your son, the second with your daughter, the third with a new child and the fourth for a date night with you and your wife.

Children should also understand and learn that it is important to have some alone time to develop their own interests and independence ... like to read, build something with lincoln logs, etc. It helps them begin to figure out what they truly like, that they can do so alone, have their own self-esteem and be happy by themselves. In other words, they do not have to depend on someone else making them happy; they can develop that for themselves and be quite comfortable.

Then, I would suggest a date night with you and your wife (like your trip) where your children can see that nurturing that relationship and adult together time is crucial to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. They are learning each day from you and many times they are looking for boundaries and limits ... they know you love them ... but the time does not need to be limitless and exhausting.

Sometimes, with all good intents, we try to keep our children involved in sports and all sorts of extra-curricular activities ... but sometimes it's better to do so as a family unit than each child being a member of a different team. All children really care about is being together, at home, with parents that love them. Think back to when you were a child and what was important? For me, while vacations were nice now and then, I really truly appreciated my special time with them, the time they taught me about life with gardening, cooking, horse riding, cleaning the stalls, fishing and swimming in the pond and camping in the yard ... basically anything we did together and it didn't have to be extravagant or cost money or take up much time on a daily basis. The true enjoyment came from the safety of having a stable home, parents who loved us, helped us with our homework, gave us hugs, tucked us in at night and our one-on-one time combined with the family time with dinners, chores, and being needed.

Did you know that research supports that Amish children are the happiest? They have larger families, more responsibilities, more chores, less free time to play, yet they are happiest. Research tends to show that they feel the love with the boundaries that are set and cherish the time spent with each other and their parents since there is a limit as to how much time can be given, they gain self-respect and self-esteem from being an integral part of the family unit and having chores to do to help the family as a whole ... and they do not need material or outside things to make them happy. A child would rather sit on your lap and have a book read, be tucked in, have a bath and be shown how to bake, fish, etc ... all those things that cost no money, just a "little" time, not all consuming.

Having had one child, I longed for more. My daughter has four. They were hoping to wait until she finished school to have the fourth one, but have now recognized that the Good Lord had more wisdom and gave her to them early; that had they waited until she finished school they probably would have changed their mind and not had another child.

With all that said, there is some merit to being young enough to enjoy your life and the proverbial empty nest and the grandchildren that hopefully eventually come while you are still young. I was around forty when that happened, so I've had some time to develop myself and do a few things whereas you would just be starting with another child. Having only been blessed with one, I would have another in a heartbeat ... but that is because I always wanted more children and life just didn't work out that way.

Your thought process is realistic and there is validity to it; there is also the same validity for having another one.

Happy to share some thoughts for consideration but, ultimately, it is a choice that only you and your wife can make. Best wishes; having those little angels is such a blessing and such a responsibility ... but guess anything worth having is.

Wish I could say what I wanted in ten words or less; just can't seem to share these thoughts without writing a book ... sorry ... lolll

Take special care and best wishes on your decision; there is no right or wrong answers. Talk with your wife and you both decide with your heart and your heads ... and you'll do great!

Sunshine wishes ... and big hugs to you both .... Ranae

heartgirl
Wow! What thoughtful responses to a difficult question. I know you will make the right choice.
Hugs!

LanyL
It is great to solicit advice from others and to learn about their personal experience but ultimately this will need to be a deeply personal decision. You two can process this together but as you mentioned your decisions will come from your own experience. At the heart of this topic is being a "good enough" parent and one of the main tenants of that is how we are as a spouse. You two need to be firmly planted on the same page with this decision so that you can be the best "team" possible when it comes to raising and loving your children - whether it be 2 or 3 of them.

CSR
Scotty and I are going through the same thing, and I know that there are two factors that are making the decision seem more dire...I found myself looking at a video of Pierce from a year ago, and feeling my uterus ache. He was (and is) so delicious, but he is leaving the baby stage, and it is making me crazy. Now, Cath said the same thing about Devon (happy birthday Devon!), and she said watching Devon turn one is making her want another (and she HAS three!), so she assured me that feeling never goes away. Nostalgia will make you do some crazy things.
The other factor we are both fighting is the "closing window of opportunity". For us, it's now or never. I'll be 43 this summer, and mother nature is going to slam that window shut pretty soon. So I feel an extra pressure to have another one NOW.
But as I read your reasons to stick with two kids, they are my reasons, too, and they are sound. It is only when I feel the pull of nostalgia (notice I am not nostalgic for the newborn, just the one year old, after they've started sleeping through the night), and the pull of my own birthday that I work myself up into a frenzy.
I can't answer the question for my own family, let alone give you advice for yours, so good luck with that!

Lee
mine are grown & the wistfulness has turned to grandkids, you take them out to play & then give them back it great
God bless

chipchip
I agree with Crash, the world is far too overpopulated with humans, we are like a plague on this planet, please don't have any more children! Concentrate on the ones you have and helping those who need it. :-)
Just my thoughts
Cheers
Snork

snork
Wow u r so honest which is great. I think u should really think about the 3rd child. If u already admit to not being able to possibly not give a 3rd one alot of love and stuff then I say no, cuz I as the oldest felt very neglected after my lil brother came along. Both my parents worked all day and my brother was the 3rd child and came 10 months after my sis, yes 10 months. It was hard, and I did not get alot of affection at all.

jazzinjamerican
I think you have already made up your mind.. Get out the stroller.Much Love D

dollyc
thanks for the comments, everyone. great feedback. we're still talking...

DJH
An age old question. You will make the right choice!

opapa
little kids, little problems...big kids, bigger problems...I have 4...ages 31-18...in todays world I was spread to thin...in my experience, for today...2 parents, 2 kids...its even...you still have the upper hand...lol...and a life....plus with the new one going to be 4 years behind the now baby...humm..could be a little strain on a family that already has a good flow to it...but I'm a tired ole mom...lol...so pay me no mind....you'll make the right choice...Hugs, Deb

DeDe1956
blah blah blah.... Chona wants another one, you have the minivan.... Leaf Out.

cath
i don,t know if you believe in prayer, but i would ask GOD for help. and i will pray that he gives you an answer ,

gramasbabies
i think your kids should be in on the decision as well. their opinions have to matter and if you do have a 3rd i'm sure they would love to help raise him/her.

Kev2
one of my friends has three already and is thinking of a 4th n a few years. but the reason she gave was a silly reason. to see what the kid would look like... i was shocked. they already have their hands full and yell constantly i cant imagine another child being brought up like that. raising your voice is one thing but they scream at them.

raeofsunshine80