Priscila's Journal

well, were do i start? hubby and i are barely speaking, you know the same ol same ol. i wont stay if he doesnt quit drinking. the thing is, he rarely drinks, maybe a 6 pack on the weekends, its not every day and it doesnt usually end up with him being the ass he was. but, i have made it very clear to him tonight until he has been 3 months without so much as a beer, my things stay packed and in my car.  thats enough about him, he is the least of my worries right now.

Adam is doing great, speech therapy and social skills group is doing him wonders and i made dad take him to it yesterday and the therapist told me today that she actualy thinks that dad got to see that adam will co-operate with anyone that does not baby him.

now the stuff that keeps me in tears. you know, i moved my mom to be closer to me so i could make sure she is safe and being taken care of properly, all nursing homes are the same, no need in looking for another one. after the worthless waste of human flesh dr od'd her on adivan and then quit her while she was in er(btw, i have the nurse that was there backing me up on i didnt fire him like he claims, she told admin that all i said was no matter what he says about calling ambulance i am over ruling and i want an ambulance, i never said i fired him)i was threatened by some idiot at the hospital that if i did not come get my mom right then i was going to be charged with abandonment, hosptial admin is handling that big fat mistake, if i was the suing kind of person i could have several people emptying their bank accounts right now.

so, today, i call mother and she is crying, but it wasnt the pain crying, it was different. i go there, and she just keeps crying, i couldnt figure it out, for the first time in 3 yrs i was unable to help my mother, i felt so helpless and like i was letting her down, i didnt know what to do. it took 5 hrs to get her a mild aniety pill ordered, nothing new there.  i left went home. gave it a couple of hours and called her, still crying. i went back. talked to her, then it hit me, the adivan was being given to her due to crying, thats what they always told me. i never saw the crying because they had already gave it to her before i got there. the crying is the same crying she did for over a yr before the stroke. unexplained crying. its TIA's. she is having TIA's. (mimi strokes) nothing anyone can do for it. it could go on for days, weeks, or months, no one knows. but it WILL lead to another massive stroke sooner or later. and all i can do is accept it, by myself. i dont have the heart to tell daddy but i have to. i talked to director of nursing, we are having mother evaluated for hospice, she needs the extra care, no nursing home is going to be able to be with her like she needs, and i cant stay 24 hrs a day, they say hospice is not just for ppl in the last stages of life but also for ppl like mother who are high risk and needs are very hard to meet, herneeds really arent that hard to meet , but not being met by nursing home staff because they have no clue. it makes me mad because if they had not been giving her the adivan so much i would have known sooner and been able to get hospice sooner, anything to help her through this.

there are so many of us on DS going through so much, and many are losing loved ones everyday, my heart goes out to them all.  Is it wrong for me to want my mom to go, go peacefully in her sleep, go be with my brother and her sister and brother and parents, to leave this horrible life she is in? all i can do is cry, i want my mom to be happy, i want her back, but it is killing me to watch her suffer the way she does and to watch my dad watch her suffer. what hurts the most, is my sisters, they have nothing to do with her, one showed up a couple of times, even came to a care plan meeting, but i figured out it was just to be nosey and "monitor" how i handle things, she will never be invited to another one. she could not come to the meeting the other day about my mom being over dosed, told me all i needed to know. how can they do mother that way i will never know. how they can make me deal with all this stress i will never know. they know its killing me and could care less. i have 3 sisters and a brother and i am an only child. never, ever, did i think this day would come. i thought families were suppose to stick together. and i can remember times when things got tough for one or the other of us, and we all pulled together and made sure things got better, but after mother had the stroke, it changed. i will never forget when i was in hospital, literally dying from a puncture in my liver from gallblader sugery gone wrong and they all came to see me, not to make sure i was ok, but to tell me " you have to get through this, if you dont we dont have anyone to take care of mother or daddy" boy did i feel the love, and i told them to get the hell out, i was in hospital for 46 days, in those 46 days not a single one of them checked on my mom. after leaving hospital a week later i was readmitted for two weeks due to more complications, i love my sisters, but there is nothing, and i mean nothing i like about them.

so here i am, alone, crying so hard i cant see the comp screen, pouring my heart out to the only real family i have. i dont know what i am doing right now. my mother needs me, my dad needs me, adam needs me, because no one else will help them. God, i pray when its my time i dont linger, because to be honest, i dont think anyone will make sure i am treated right.

i just wish my parents would let go, so they can be together again, and not have to live knowing that all but one of their kids, that they worked their asses off to take care of, and was there for them any and every time they needed them and protected them with their lives, those kids would not piss on them if they were on fire. it is so bad that unless the dr calls and tells them they need to come because it is so bad he doesnt know if they will live, they do not come. i dont even bother to call them when my parents are sick, whats the point?

my mom, back when we were kids, was a good mom, she took good care of all of us. she protected us like a grizzly bear! my dad, he had his faults, but all of that aside, atleast he was there, he was as good to us as he could be considering he had his own demons to fight. my siblings are punishing my parents because they werent rich, they didnt give us what the rich kids had, but they loved us, isnt that all that matters? i truly believe that my siblings have no clue what love is, unconditional love for your child is.

as bad as this sounds, the day will come that my sisters will go down like my parents, and they need not call me, i will not help. they could not even find it in their hearts to check on her when i was literally dying, i cant bring myself to help them if they need it.

the thought of hospice makes me feel like i have to face it that mother may have a fatal stroke, its so hard, i cant hardly deal with this, but in my heart, i know, if it happens, it will be the best thing for her. but then i will have to deal with daddy, i think he holds on for her, i truly believe when she goes he will take his own life due to his own suffering that i have no clue how he has lived as long as he has in his condition. he doesnt want to leave my mom.

she suffers, she suffers so much. not just physically, but mentally as well. no one understands her, i know she wants to die, i cant keep her alive, i would not do that to her, but i want her back. i want to go have coffee with her every morning like i used to do. i want to go to the dollar tree with her every week, her favorite place to shop. i want to help her in her flower garden like we use to do. i have not planted a flower since the day she had the stroke, guess i never will again. posted a video of her and chloe, www.myspace.com/priscilah check it out, you will love it.

i want my grandbabies to know her, i ws going to call one of my DS friends but decided to just journal because they would not have been able to understand a word i said through the tears. i love you all so much, i dont know what i would do if i didnt have all of you to lean on and i do apologize for not being here and holding each of you up when you need it, but i am broke down right now and barely holding myself up. when it gets better, i will be back and i will make up for it. i promise.

    me, mother, and daddy          mother when she was around 18    

      way back in the day,  before my youngest sister ws born, can you guess which one is me?

     all of us, before little sis was born, wsnt mother beautiful, even after having 5 kids!

mother and her newest great-granddaughter        my daddy

i needed to post these, dont know why, just needed to.

so i am all cried out.

wanted everyone to know that i reported the dr that quit my mom without the 30 days the law requires to every in the state that would listen to me. the medical board, the state attorney general, the ombudsman, everyone i could get a phone number for got a report on his attempt to kill my mom! she needs no help dying, atleast not that kind of help.

hugs,

p