This week has been soo busy!! It …
This week has been soo busy!! It is unbelievable! My H and I are really in a good space right now which is totally …
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I can't get over feeling like an idiot. I spent 5 years in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. Afer i finally got up the nerve to leave i met a wonderful man and fell in love, we have now been together for 7 years. He is strong and kind and gentle. He has brought his 2 wonderful children into my life and i am eternally grateful to him for that since i have never had any children of my own. He and i had some stress issues recently and suddenly my past came flying back to me. Without getting far to detailed for my first journal entry, we can suffice it to say that i started putting up all my old barriers. Suddenly my wonderful man was just another guy that wanted to control me. I pulled away, i didn't trust him not to check my phone for calls or texts, i didn't trust him not to check my email, i wanted a space that was my own and carved out my work as being seperate from him. I started getting some traction in a new carreer and now he's feeling left out of my life. The problem now is that he's holding on for dear life and i'm feeling suffocated again. All i want him to do is back off, i need my safe space back and he can't understand that since his safe space is me. He said something to me the other day, that FEAR is actually an acronym for f**k everything and run. That is so dangerously close to where i am right now that it terrifies me. I am judging him by another's actions and i know that isn't fair, but i can't stop. I am struggling to sleep every night, i am struggling to keep from loosing him because i can't make him understand this but i love him so much, and i am struggling to keep from just chucking it all and walking away. Somehow i can't help but feel that i am damaged, that i will never have a normal, close relationship because although my marriage was brief and a long time ago - it was horrifically violent and somewhere along the line in my life i came to accept it as my due. My God, am i ever going to trust anyone again? Am i ever going to be able to trust another man?
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*hugs* you have come so far....
I was reading your first entry
"I can't get over feeling like an idiot. I spent 5 years in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. Afer i finally got up the nerve to leave i met a wonderful man and fell in love, we have now been together for 7 years. He is strong and kind and gentle. He has brought his 2 wonderful children into my life and i am eternally grateful to him for that since i have never had any children of my own. He and i had some stress issues recently and suddenly my past came flying back to me. Without getting far to detailed for my first journal entry, we can suffice it to say that i started putting up all my old barriers. Suddenly my wonderful man was just another guy that wanted to control me. I pulled away, i didn't trust him not to check my phone for calls or texts, i didn't trust him not to check my email, i wanted a space that was my own and carved out my work as being seperate from him. I started getting some traction in a new carreer and now he's feeling left out of my life. The problem now is that he's holding on for dear life and i'm feeling suffocated again. All i want him to do is back off, i need my safe space back and he can't understand that since his safe space is me. He said something to me the other day, that FEAR is actually an acronym for f**k everything and run. That is so dangerously close to where i am right now that it terrifies me. I am judging him by another's actions and i know that isn't fair, but i can't stop. I am struggling to sleep every night, i am struggling to keep from loosing him because i can't make him understand this but i love him so much, and i am struggling to keep from just chucking it all and walking away. Somehow i can't help but feel that i am damaged, that i will never have a normal, close relationship because although my marriage was brief and a long time ago - it was horrifically violent and somewhere along the line in my life i came to accept it as my due. My God, am i ever going to trust anyone again? Am i ever going to be able to trust another man?"
When I read this I just wanted to hold you and let you know that everything will be ok. I pose similar questions to myself, "Will I ever be able to be in a relationship that doesn't involve either being emotionally or physically abused?" I was in a toxic relationship for a 4 years and two of those years my ex became the most violent. It was terrifying to not know when I was going to be hit, scolded, or made to feel worthless. It is difficult not to project our fears onto the next relationship because we are still haunted in many ways by our previous toxic relationships.
It sounds as though your husband loves you and is afraid of loosing you. It is often hard for others to understand how we are feeling and why we are still hear the silent echos that continue beat us down mentally and emotionally. We are still hurt but we are not beyond having the capabilities to heal from our past. Healing takes time and effort to face our past, let it go and sometimes even forgive but not forget what happened. Holding tightly to the pain only serves to continue to suffocate us. We will continually suffer from flashbacks, doubts, low self esteem, low self worth and the belief that somehow what they said to us is true. We will continually find was of validating our "imagined" low self worth and continue to fall prey to depression, anxiety, and anger. At least this is true for me...
More recent entry of yours.
"It feels as if the skies have cleared and the sun is shining. A bit weakly, maybe, but shining none the less. Jimmy and I had a long discussion the other night and we are both working so hard on finding ourselves and finding each other. Today it feels heavenly. I love him so much. He has worked so hard to understand what i've gone through in my past with my abusive ex. He is trying to come to grips with the fact that i have boundries that i didn't have before. Now they are tiny, but they are definitely there. I can only hope that he understands. I lost my "safe place" so absolutely and completely before that now the only way for me to feel safe is to have some control over some little tiny part of my universe that is mine and mine alone. I think that through a lot of talking and open-minded discussion we have finally come to that place."
This entry was so touching and beautiful. I am thankful that Jimmy is making the effort to give you more space and find yourself, as well as respect the boundaries you are trying to put in place. It is so beneficial to your healing journey that you have a loved one that loves you and is making the effort to understand you without judging, or invalidating.
You sound truly blessed, I pray your husband continues to strive to help and understand you. I hope you don't mind me reposting your previous journal entries.
Ruby M
RubyMcC