Spirit13's Journal

Yeeks, the eating oh the eating. I had a bit of a break down tonight on the phone to my old best friend. I try not to burden anyone with my problems but I realise just how lonely I feel and how grief hits like a brick wall no matter how positive a person you are. I had taken care of everyone around me and not even my boyfriend seems to be very understanding. If I were him I'd want to spoil me knowing what i'm going through.... and check up on me... I try to tell him I need him and even call him upset... but he doesn't know how to deal with it and so here I am. I feel like I have nothing for him at the moment, but he needs more from me than I can give and when I am trying to be cheery for him it just wears me out all the more. I can't handle a relationship like that at the moment and I don't know how to explain it to him in a way that he will understand and not take it personally - he is ever so sensitive.

I'm sad. I tried to do meditation in a yoga class at the gym and it reached a point where i felt i'd break down again. I did however break down on the hpone. Its 2am now and there's no chance of sleeping. I had chocolate and feel very unwell from it. I ate too much of it again and it has more of an effect on me because i've been eating so well apart from it. I just can't touch it... at least not at home... maybe if i go out for a one off cake and coffee. That's it... I have to learn my boundaries or i'm never going to achieve the weight loss goals that are so important to me.. and i' don't wish to cope through eating or enter that horrible self guilt hatred, binge and purge experience again. I refuse to and I don't have to. It was nasty and remains to be a danger zone.. a place i never  thougght i'd visit and do not desire to again. Eating crap just makes me feel horrible inside and out and i'm sure all you who've had or have BED can relate :(

The exercise is going well at least, though I wont get anywhere with it if i dont get real with my eating patters. Am i being too hard on myself? Can I expect to eat so well after such a history? all i can think of really is how unwell i feel and that in itself is NOT worth it!

Anyway I need someone to knock me out so i can sleep because there's just no way - and it doesn't help me. I've not been able to relax because if i do then i begin to grieve and have overwhelming memories of John's life - that cease to exist with him. So i've stayed on edge and stressed in my mind and I need need need to rest and now i've made it so I can't because of all this sugar. Sigh! the things i do to myself - without thinking or caring about the consequences. It's ever so frustrating and i feel worked up about it.