Cici42066's Journal

Today is Mother's Day.  I tried to call my mother.  She didn't call back.  My sister tried to call my mother she didn't call back.  I was at church and of course they showed a video about mothers. I feel like I don't have a mother and I have felt that way for a long time.

My mom is 65 and we know something is wrong with her.  We don't know if she has the beginning of dementia or what.  So now my sister and I don't know if she is mad at us. We didn't do anything. 

I have to admit that I have some anger toward my mother.  Trust me I turn my anger over to God all the time.  I don't like to hold on to anger.  I like to release it.  Everyone was asking me what I was doing for my mother yesterday.  I said nothing.  It is not because of me it is because of her.  I have cards for her and I would have taken her out to eat. 

I was working on www.settingcaptivesfree.com and it has me looking at my past.  It has me looking at my mother.  If we had a diagnosis it would be so much easier. 

The reason I am angry with her is for my selfish reasons.  She can't and didn't help me.  When I fell she did very little to help me.  My mom thinks worrying is the best way to help.  I have to play so tough and strong.  I kept on going.  Now I feel tired and wore out.  I couldn't take time off of work because my parents wouldn't help financially and then there was my mom complaining because I couldn't clean like I use to.  My grandma aka as my mom's mom is 90 and if I was in Ohio she would have tried her hardest to take care of me. 

I am missing my grandma.  I was pissed at my parents for moving us down here over 20 years ago.  I know my grandma won't be around much longer.  I think I am homesick for Ohio and my grandma.  I can't sit on a plane.  I couldn't handle the 2 and half hours.  Sure I could do it but what happens when I sit I am miserable.  It hurts my head and everywhere else.  So I would get to Ohio and be miserable.  I have prayed that nothing happens to my grandparents until I am healed.  Trust me I am not a baby about pain.  I know my body.

I am actually spending quiet time right now.  I don't get much of it.  I know I am crying but I need to get the junk out of my trunk and I know Jesus is there for me no matter what.

I am going to allow myself to rest.  That is a huge step for me. 

Matt 11:28-30  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you fill rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

God Bless You All And May You Rest In The Lord.