swebber's Journal

Journal Entry for August 25, 2007 Mood

Saturday, August 25, 2007

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your
family's life.

Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Cameron's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were
an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Cameron loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Cameron.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for
G-d.
"G-d may have done this because…"

I know Cameron is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Cameron is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.

And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

Hug swebber

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Comments

Giod help me I'm normal? I do not want to be normal. Love & hugs to you. Thank you for sharing.

ColleenF
my god sue you described all of us in one journal entry. i feel the same as you every single day of my life. thank you so much for putting it on line so i could see that im not the only one!!!

DylansmomDenise
my god sue you described all of us in one journal entry. i feel the same as you every single day of my life. thank you so much for putting it on line so i could see that im not the only one!!!

DylansmomDenise
my god sue you described all of us in one journal entry. i feel the same as you every single day of my life. thank you so much for putting it on line so i could see that im not the only one!!!

DylansmomDenise
At least I know I am normal...

annsullivan
New Normal no doubt. lOVE AND HUGS CATHY

RockstarsMom
Thank You Hugs Elissa Cameron's picture caught my eye because he reminds me of Jake... Kathy Hilman's 13 year old son... I am sorry for all of us that we have to deal with this... I do find my heart smiles as I get to know you and your child... Hugs carasmom Elissa

My mind keeps circling at so many of the things you mentioned... right now I'm stuck on the what do you tell people who ask you how many children you have... A lot of hard decisions, memories to live with...

carasmom