Keyz's Journal

Journal Entry for May 5, 2008 Mood

Monday, May 5, 2008

Monday Morning

I still can't believe my mom is dead. It really hit me over the weekend. I guess my mom made me wait so I could get all the things done for her. There's so much to do when someone in your family dies. And of course, it was all on my shoulders. If I didn't take care of things, I don't know what would have happened. My brother and sister didn't do anything. Oh......that's right....my brother busted my ballz before mom died...how could I forget that!!! He's harmless now though. He still thinks that my mom living in New Hampshire killed her. How stupid is that?! I think 65 years of smoking cigarettes killed her, not NH.

Today I'm gonna take a brain break and go to that waterfalls that I tried to show you guys a few weeks ago, but couldn't because of the snow. I'm sure there's no snow there now. I think I'll bring another one of moms little saints there and bury it near the waterfalls so she can see that too. This time I won't get lost....all I have to do is follow the river. The river starts at the trailhead and then follows the trail with two beautiful waterfalls. It's called, "Georgiana Waterfalls"

I'm so depressed! My heart is breaking so much for my mom. Her funeral is this Wednesday at 11am at a beautiful church called, "The Sacred Heart". I made sure it will be nice for her. I bought her favorite flowers and also had a spray made with them in it and I even made sure the organist plays a few of her favorite church hymns. My God....this is gonna be so hard. I know I'm gonna loss it. I just can't wait for some time to pass so the pain will ease off.

Sorry I haven't been reading any journals or staying on DS that long, it's just, my mind is so twisted right now. I hope in time, I'll feel better.

Please remember that I love you all..........

Joey

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Comments

Joey....I feel so bad for you. You are rarely on here this late. It HAS to be from all the stress you are under. Your brother is so wrong. And you know this in your heart. Please try not to let it get under your skin. He's just looking for someone to blame for his mistakes. HE should of been there a long time ago to help you with Mom. Now he'll try to play the blame-game to ease his conscience.
Be careful on your next hike. You have alot on your mind right now....don't let your mind wander & end up getting hurt.
Really hope for the best for you, Joey. I know you are in great pain. Yes, there is SO much involved with the loss of a loved one. People just don't understand that unless they've walked in those shoes.
Much love & prayers to you.....Jeanne

WoobiesJeanne
Good Morning Joe Hang in there it will all get better in time. You are a strong person, You'll get through the funerall You will for your Mom and family, hugs and hugs-Stephanie

CoolGal
LOVE YOU MORE, JOEY.
:)
MJxx

LEARJETCHICK
It is never easy. When I went to my dads viewing I had to walk around the funeral parlor at least twice before I entered it. I just was so scared and sad about the whole thing. I wore my sunglasses in the building and when I had the courage I took them off.

I had a little note/poem that I wrote for my dad and I had the undertaker put it in his coat pocket. My dad was always mailing my letters so I had a letter for my dad to take with him to heaven.

Don't let your brother bother you. Let him think that NH killed her and not possibly the ciggies. If your brother gets into an arguement with you about it just say 'yeah,you are probably right, who knows now.' This isn't the time for fuss.
Somehow you will get through all of this. Just be aware of what you are feeling and don't try to supress it. Journal it in a private journal, go for your hikes, be good and gentle with yourself. You'll get through this. You may not think you will but you will.

littlelion
you are such a wonderful friend! Full of that Italian charm and heart and supportive, talented, funny..I love coming to your page..you lift me. Sure wish I could find a guy like you!!!!! anyway, I cannot imagine the sadness your heart feels. For us Italian folks their is something so special aboutour Moms..I know everyone loves their Moms but our culture holds them in such high esteem. They are so special.my Mom and dad are getting up there. dad is sick and mom has her problems too..married almost 60 years..and i fear the day like nobodys business when I have to lose either one..my God..BUT I know that is life.
I am with you dear brother in spirit ..I will be thinking of you especially Wed. Thank you for taking the time to read my dopey journal at this a most hard time for you. Ah, I'll be ok one way or another...I will try and find a preist I can trust...unfortunately had some bad experience with them too.
Sounds like you made a very beautiful funeral for your Mother..God Bless you sweetheart for carrying the load...you are a wonderful son....I love you, Joey...you are in a short time a very special person I look up to and thanks for your beautiful videos. know what? When I am feeling like kaka...I will look at them and see the beauty of nature that always makes me feel better...xoxoxo..Peace and Love, your Italian LI sister...Debbie

serenity55
Joey, I am so so very sorry about your loss. It hurts like hell I know. Dad will be gone almost 5 months in a few days. I have bad days and good days. Its something you will never forget. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out. I loved my Dad so and miss him more than words can say. It will get better my friend I promise. The pain has eased up for me alot but I still have my hurtfull days. My fiancee tells me that if I didnt have these feeling than I wouldnt be much of a person and that its natural and it is. But that dont stop the pain none. I am an only child and everything falls on my shoulders and some times I feel like I am going to go crazy. My Mom is not what she was before Dad died and thats hard on me too. I will be praying for you. I pray that God will ease your pain and get you thru this trying time and be with you thru Wed. I am here if you ever need a shoulder or to vent. I know what you are going thru. Love you alot my friend. Take care and God bless you.

NannaB
Please know we all love you and support you- just lean on us, we'll carry you!

kc61
My heart, is breaking for you as well. I love you Joey ! You're such a special friend. I know how much,you loved you Mom. I said several prayers, for you and your family,to cope with this grief and pain. It's an awful thing, to experience, but, this is the last eathly thing, we can do, for our loved ones. You have personalized,her service, with her favourite flowers and music.She will be looking down from heaven,with a big smile on her face,for such a memorable farewell. Every time you go hiking, she will be with you. You have those special places,where she can look out,from the mountain and see all God's beauty. You a good son, with only her best interests at heart. Wednesday will be the worst day, when she is finally laid to rest. Just remember, she is not longer in pain, and will always have her footprint, on your heart forever ! HUGS & TEARS for my special for my special friend !

Marshmallows23
Oh Joey Wednesday will be so hard for you, I can't lie, it will probably be the hardest day of your life. I will be thinking of you and your family. It is nice you have a lovely church to hold your mums service in and I'm sure she is so proud of you. xx

Jennifer511
This week is the anniverasary of both my mom and dads passing. I will be thinking of you as I pray this week for my parents. Our poarents are forever with us....please believe that.

restlessheart
Hey Joey... I can't say I understand how you feel, because I haven't lost my parents, but my heart goes out to you so much, and you and Margaret are always in my thoughts and prayers.. I'm sure the service will be beautiful, and I know you've done a wonderful job making sure it is what your Mom would want....I'll be thinking about you on Wednesday especially, all of your friends here love you and we will be with you......love you Joey. xxxxxxxxx Gaye #1

lacrossemom
joey i went thru the exact same things you are writing about when my mom passed away 1 1/2 yrs ago. the hardest day in my life was the day of the funeral. you are in my thoughts and prayers dear friend. one thing i can tell you is not a day goes by that i dont think about my mom. my love for her is strong, deep and neverending. so will it always be with your mom. you took wonderful care of your mom, and she is smiling down from heaven as she looks upon you. putting one of her little saints by the waterfalls is such a loving and wonderful memorial for your mom. God bless you joey. love to you and margaret, sylvia

banffgirl