CynK's Journal

Journal Entry for June 23, 2008 Mood

Monday, June 23, 2008

I should be working...I'm only going to be here a short while this morning....wedding stuff to do this afternoon. But I can't seem to get my mind around the jobs I need to be working on today. I miss you guys and checking in with everybody regularly. I feel like this is the one place I can say what I really feel and I'll be understood.

As the time gets closer to the first "angel date" I find myself slipping into that abyss. Every motorcycle I see sends me into tears. I had never noticed there were so many motorcycles on the road all the time. I'm trying very hard to focus on the good things going on right now (the wedding and such). But they bring their own saddness. Weston should be there for his sister's wedding. It's not fair! It's not right! It's not the way it's supposed to be!!!!!!!!!!

I've got to pull myself together. There is so much to do. The wedding is in 11 days and people will be getting here in a week! I just hope I can keep it together for the wedding. I don't feel too sure of that right now. I feel so overwhelmed in every part of my life. I don't feel like I have a handle on much of anything right now. Send me some good thoughts dear friends. I need a little extra strength right now.

I love you guys.!! Thanks for being there for me.

Hug CynK

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Comments

I stayed very busy on Clinton's angel date and it passed as any other day without him. I was extra aware of the date of course but I think the dreading of it was worse than the actual day. The bottom line is, it just "bites" all the time. My heart hurts for every one of us as we go through this mark in time. It is a fact of life that I absolutely hate for us. Try to stay focused on the wedding and enjoy it as much as you can and remember to enjoy it for Weston too. He would want you to get all the joy you can from it and he would want you to experience all of his joy too...love and hugs...Lynn

l8gra
Have a celebration of his life.Plant a tree,go out and have his favorite meal,or be like Barbara and have a get-together at his favorite hangout just to honor him.It can make the first angel date go by a little better.When my first hubby died the first Christmas was slated to be unbearable.But we decorated one of those little desktop Christmas trees and wired to the shepard hook at his grave.One the day of prom,we wired a Memorial Day wreath to it with their prom pix in a frame wired to the wreath.It's not much but sometimes you work with what you have.I hope some of these ideas help you.

saige
Hey Cyn. I know you've been so busy with the wedding. It's good to hear from you. I know the feeling of planning a happy occasion while underneath you're missing your son so much. Wishing they could be here for all those special moments.When my daughter graduated from High School last month, it broke my heart that Justin was not there. I just kept telling her that he was there in our hearts. Weston will at the Wedding in your hearts as well. I'm sure it will be so beautiful. Can't wait to see the pictures.
Thinking of you and praying for the strength you need in the upcoming weeks.
Love, Kelly

misshim
Hey Cyn. I know you've been so busy with the wedding. It's good to hear from you. I know the feeling of planning a happy occasion while underneath you're missing your son so much. Wishing they could be here for all those special moments.When my daughter graduated from High School last month, it broke my heart that Justin was not there. I just kept telling her that he was there in our hearts. Weston will at the Wedding in your hearts as well. I'm sure it will be so beautiful. Can't wait to see the pictures.
Thinking of you and praying for the strength you need in the upcoming weeks.
Love, Kelly

misshim
Hey Cyn. I know you've been so busy with the wedding. It's good to hear from you. I know the feeling of planning a happy occasion while underneath you're missing your son so much. Wishing they could be here for all those special moments.When my daughter graduated from High School last month, it broke my heart that Justin was not there. I just kept telling her that he was there in our hearts. Weston will at the Wedding in your hearts as well. I'm sure it will be so beautiful. Can't wait to see the pictures.
Thinking of you and praying for the strength you need in the upcoming weeks.
Love, Kelly

misshim
Cyn, If you are stressed it ios OK, and screw anybody that thinkd otherwise!. As long as you and your daughter are OK with each other then that is ALL that counts. Let some of those fools try going where you been, and see how they are in a year!. I am sure they would be no better than you.(Although I truely DO NOT WISH THAT ON ANY ONE IN THE WORLD!) You of course are reminded by every motorcucle. That is to be expected, and is a totally logical thing. The wedding is going to be just fine. You will be all right. I belive in you. You are surrounded by love on all sides. You have Gods love all around you, and you have human love all around you here on earth. You are way stronger that you give yourself credit for, and way stronger than you know!. You will be the most beautiful woman there, except for the bride. Your son will be watching yall and loving yall all too. He is present in each of your hearts. I love you and I will pray for you all. Cyn. Give yourself a pat on the back, and a reward for being a brave woman, because you are. I know that. I love you, and my prayers are with you! Love,peggy

grndmudder
Cyn you are an incredibly strong woman...do not underestimate yourself. You will somehow find the strength and courage to do what you have to do over the next 11 days. And on the day of Ragan's wedding you will be joyful for her and joyous with her...Weston will be there...not as you want...but he will be there. Love to you...my friend...Karen

biowoman
Hang in there honey, it may not feel like it but I bet Weston will be there to see his sister get married. And he is loving you from heaven.
Love and hugs, Kathy

kat50
Its strange but when there is a family 'do' as well as being happy it can bring back such sad raw feelings too dont you think? I can relate to the not being fair feeling, but I he WILL be there. I hope things dont get you too stressed out. Enjoy every minute of it. Love Claire

clairyb
You will do this and all the other things you need to because you can. Later when it's over you will have time to come apart a bit if you need too. The first and any angel date is hard and I find the lead up is harder than the actual date. You are right life is not fair but then again fair to whom. Hang on tight to us and we will help you through. Love and hugs and positive strong thoughts to you. Cathy

RockstarsMom
Reminders are all around us. It's a challenge for me somedays to just grocery shop and pass by my son's favorite "goodies". Ragan's day will be beautiful. Yes there will be a void that can't be filled but I know all of you will keep Weston so close in your hearts and his presence will be felt. I totally agree with Cathy above. The days leading up to my son's angel date were harder than the actual day. Let the day progress on it's own in some fashion. It will be OK. Take care friend. Love Robin

Robin4