SaraHatesDope's Journal

my birthday is in 4 days. who will acknowledge this? my family. sure. my boyfriend. of course. what about those people who claimed they will always be my friends yet dont talk to me because they claim i am out of control? when i try to regain the control, something happens to delay me. like a large cyst in my right arm. i do not have insurance btw. no job, no insurance. i luckily have charity care through the local hospital here. but im tired of going there. i went for an xray. an ultrasound. bloodwork. and now an mri today. i might as well live there. no one can just tell me if i will need to be operated on to remove the cyst. doctors just beat around the bush and dont give a shit about the feelings on their patients. so i am very angry. just when i want to find a job, i realize i cant because i cant use my right arm for anything of good use. its a rough situation that many people will not understand, in my opinion. those friends i've had for over 10 years will not get it and they MAY send me a happy birthday text but thats not what i want. i was there for both of their birthdays. and i will get nothing in return and its very upsetting. i feel horrible for the way i have been. i try not to think about this stuff though cuz its depressing. its a battle of depression every damn day and sometimes i dont know how i make it through a simple day because im so down and out. i hope something will change for the better soon.

YES, I'M STILL SOBER. i can't believe it either. lol. when i say that i am still sober, i mean from my drug of choice. which is obviously heroin, incase you couldn't figure that out. hah. but yea, 7 months. DAMN. i will admit, i have smoked pot. but havent done so for over a month now. i never got too into it. it was just making me stupid anyway. i was on aderall for a while believing i had ADD. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, but that's not it. the medicine got me out of bed though. and now i'm off it. feeling better than i was when i was on it. i was to the point of wanting to die a few weeks ago. yea, sounds dramatic but i believe i would have ended up in a mental hospital if i didnt make the effort to see a new doctor and see what she thought i should do. so i'm on a new anti depressant. lexapro. i guess the mental aspect of taking it has helped me a lot. im actually having my second appointment with her today and i look forward to it. which is why i have to cut this short. gotta shower and get ready. but i am doing okay. feeling better than a while ago and staying away from drugs. that in itself is a fabulous feeling. thank you to anyone who was worried or wondering where i was. i appreciate that. i will try not to be away from this site again. i do miss it! message me anytime whoever is reading this. lol. bye for now!