chrurop's Journal

Journal Entry for June 16, 2008 Mood

Monday, June 16, 2008

June 16, 2008

This is something that just came to me, at the end of july it will be one year since i have broken up with my bf. it's also been 9 months since any kind of contact what so ever. what does this tell me, it tells me that he has no interest in me at all. i have accepted that. our relationship was very unhealthy, he was a taker and i was a giver. i lived in florida through out pretty much our whole relationship, approx. 8 years. which is where he wanted to live, i loved it there also. i moved away from my family. he doesnt have much of a family. i used to be (and am getting back to that place) excellent with my money, he didn't care if you charged everything and lived in debt and hey if you couldn't pay so what. i always had a job, due to his drinking if he wasn't working so what.

i supported him through every drunken period, taking care of his bills, getting him to the hospital when he was sick and to detoxes when he was trying to dry out. i was in the hospital twice, once with an anxiety attack and another time with a gall bladder attack, who was with me? no one i was alone.

my daughter is finishing up a long year with breast cancer treatments, she is only 29 years old. my oldest son is having difficuties dealing with his own life, but as a mom i'm as supportive as i can be, his twin brother my third child is in iraq for the third time fighting for this country, and my youngest son is doing well with college and work and living on his own at 21. these were his supposed step children. not once has he contacted to see how any of them are.

ok, my heart is doing ok now, i'm moving on, being comfortable with myself and try very hard not to be lonely. i have been to counseling, alanon meetings, church, surrounding myself with family and friends.

here is my problem, i think often of the ex bf. i would like not to think of him anymore. i know the direction that my life is going in is exactly as it should and it's a great life when i think of all i have to be greatful for and it is a lot. why the hang up on him? when will this part of it end for me? i know him for what he truly is, someone that is not capable of giving himself in a relationship, and someone that i could not depend on. so why can't it go away? thanks for listening. linda

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Comments

I wonder to why I still have a hang up on stbx. We are almost done with this marriage. We hardly ever talk much anymore and yet I still think of us. I think once we let ourselves really move on, then those thoughts of them are no longer that great. There was something there that you two had. Memories are all that you have of what was good. Those memories linger inside you for more than you would like them to be. We will be able to let them totally one day. Until we do, we can accept that we will think about them from time to time.

AhHa