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The weekend was excellent. White water rafting is an absolute thrill. I got a chance to "ride the bull" which means sitting on the front edge of the raft and leaning forward, holding onto a few ropes, and splashing through some level 4 rapids. Pretty intense.
Sometimes I feel like this whole divorce thing is going well, and then I have a moment of weakness. I think about the good times, the dreams that we shared, our kids that we had together, and our decisions that we made with the assurance that we would grow old together. Now, that is all gone and I do not even know why. When I married my wife, it was to be forever. I devoted everything to our marriage, and was fully secure in it. Apparently, that security was only a facade.
I told someone on my tennis team last night about being in the middle of a divorce. She said that she could not believe it because I am a nice guy (no, she was not flirting - married and 20+ years my senior). That comment made me feel good and bad at the same time.
I do not like to think about this. It hurts. I have been trying desperately to occupy my time, but the grief and confusion seep through sometimes. I know that God is there, but I want Him to give me my marriage and family back and He will not do it.
I know what I have to do. I have to keep going, occupy my time, and think about this divorce in doses. I have to continue to work hard in my job and my flying lessons. I need to lean on my friends and family for support. I need to keep going with my DivorceCare group and maybe join that church singles group too. I just need to keep going. It is so hard sometimes, though. Sometimes I just have to be miserable and face the reality that hurts so badly...
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I talked for the first time with a divorce attorney today. She seems to know what she is doing. It astounds me how much this is costing. I feel a little better in that this will eventually be over. I am not waiting around any more. It is time to move on, and that meeting (although expensive) helped me to do that.
I am counting the hours before I get to see my kids on Friday. Do not expect a journal entry on Friday - I will be busy with my boys. I cannot wait to see their smiles and hear them yell out "Daddy!" Oh, how I miss those days when I saw them every day. This separation has chipped away at my soul. I could not imagine if I did not get to see my boys every week. They are all that keeps me going sometimes.
Come on, Friday!
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Today was not even close to yesterday. It was kinda routine, if there is such a thing in the mental health field. I saw my clients, took a bit of grief from my supervisor, and played some tennis with my tennis team after work. Staying busy.
I still think about my first choice - to stay with my wife and kids. I know that will not happen, but sometimes I wonder if this is all a bad nightmare. At the end, I wake up back in Mississippi (the land I love), lying beside my wife with my kids snuggled in their beds. If this is a dream, it sure is a LONG dream.
Past Entries
| August 2007 |
Sunday, 8/05
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Saturday, 8/04
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You are embracing the healing process and that is good. I too mourn the vows that we made that now seem like only words. I also experience the seepage of anger, fear and depression throughout my day even though I put on a brave face. I don't understand why God lets things happen, but I do know that he can't take away a person's free agency. Your wife has choices. God may not approve of them, but he can't take those choices away and unfortunately, the result is a family broken up. That is on your wife's head. Keep your chin up. Time heals nothing, but the human will to survive, and to make the best of things enables us to mend ourselves....
LanieD