saint7552's Journal

I have been a widow for 1-1/2 years.  My husband of 33 years passed away Christmas Day 2005.   He, Jim, struggled with cancer for many months before his death.  We were very close.  We had no children so devoted all of our time to each other.  Jim, liked to say we were like ducks "they mated for life".  Jim was diagnosed with kidney cancer 11 years before his death.  The kidney was removed and the doctor was sure he would be fine.  Jim always said, "I would be fooling myself if I didn't think I would die from cancer.  My entire family did and so will I.  But, when it comes time that I need 24 hour care I do not want you to try to do this at home like we did for my mother.  I would rather go to a facility where they could take care of my condition and you and I could just spend time together".  

When he developed a tumor on his pancreas it was determined to be the return of the kidney cancer.  Jim had surgery, but it was not promising.  The doctor found 2 tumors in Jim's liver so the surgery for removal was abandoned.  The doctor operated to see if he could relieve some of the symptoms Jim was having.  The tumor started bleeding during the surgery.  The doctor had to pack the tumor in gauze and wait for the bleeding to stop.  After which Jim was sent to special procedures to cut off the blood supply to the tumor.  The next day he went back into surgery to remove the packing.    Things went pretty much downhill after that.  Weakness, failure to strive, blood clots in the legs and lungs, etc.  The final straw was an infection which took the doctors 1 week to diagnose.  Meanwhile they were giving Jim 3 different antibiotics to help with the infection.  They knew one of the medications was working but they didn't know which one until they grew the infection.  It was tough to watch.

When the doctors finally had the infection under control it was suggested that Jim go to a local Hospice House.  We knew then he would not be coming home from there.  Within 36 hours of Jim's arrival at the Hospice House he was pain free for the first time in over 6 months.  They were wonderful.  I cannot say enough good about the entire Hospice program.  I was told I could spend as much time as I wanted in Jim's room so I brought in a cot and air mattress.  I set the cot right next to his bed every night and we slept/or didn't sleep together.  I would not recommend this for everyone but for us it was the only way we could deal with what was happening.  Jim lost his fight with the cancer 1 month after arriving at the Hospice House. 

 Since his death I have had a tough time trying to find myself.  With the help of counselling I am doing much better but the overwhelming feeling of being alone hits fairly often.