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AJ1's Journal

Journal Entry for December 10, 2007 Mood

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Day Of The Dreaded Meeting Has Arrived!!!

Well thedayhas arrived, the day I wished so hard would never have come, it is the day that I lose my second keyworker.

Can people not see in this place I live that right now with the fact I struggle so much with christmas, and it is coming up to the 5th anversery of my grandparents death which is on the 21st of December and then a few days later on the 31st of december is the 5th anversery of my uncles death, also at this time I am supposed to be able to adjust to a newcounsellor who I was originally going to be seeing in the early meetings with my keyworker until got to know her, but manager said no I should go alone, well with all that is going on at the moment this is just not going to happen. Then there is also my doctor whichover the last few months I have begun to trust who is going on maternity leave shortly so though I know she is coming back I still in the mean time have to adjust to a new doctor.

Now you can begin to see why changing keyworkers again, having someone else leave and another new person who I have to get to know and trust is too hard at this time. I would give anything if this couuld be held off that this is looked at, at a later time when I am more stronger to deal with it (also Iam strugglingto get my head around why Ihave to begin to see someone away from where I am livng as since this place opened two years ago every person who came in was given a keyworker and kept that keyworker till they move out, so people have built up trust with there keyworkers, now to have a new manager to come in and say that is no longer happening and taking away our keyworkers is just not fair, and also doing it so quick is making it all the more harder to deal with, and for me who finds it hard to trust asin my life I am used to people either leaving, dieing or getting sick just feels like history repeating itself over and over again and I am not strong enough to deal with this at this time.

I have suggested that I am willing to pay keyworker to continue working with me, that the decision is reconsider that that support she gives me is reduced but that she remains being my keyworker, but I feel that has just fallen on deaf ears and I am wasting my breath, and actually I am thinking of just becoming a hermit, as then this cant happen again.

Well have to get ready for the meeting though I dont see the point as I am just going to be ignored in it and the manager has already made his decision and will just be telling me it and ignoring how this is and will affect me, so wish did not have to go but have to.

Hug AJ1

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Comments

I'm sorry you're going thru this AJ and I know you don't want to go to the meeting, but maybe you'll get a good new keyworker this time that will stay with you and actually be able to help you! Sometimes change can be a good thing and I hope this will be. You really need some stability in your life right now! I'll be anxious to hear how it goes. Love always, Dale

dalecl
yes, sweetheart, you do need stability and maybe as dalecl says, this will be going towards a new stability and you will really get a good new keyworker. I am sooooo sorry this is such a tough time of year...you hang on in there you brave gal...hugggggs from Cathrynn XXXX

Cathrynn
Hi Ali, I have read all of the above and thank you for sharing all of your fears with me. Now, remember what I said to you before, unfortunately you cannot change what is happening, unfortunately the NHS in the UK is in a mess at the moment, they seem to bring in these managers and all they do is mess up the system further, which isn't helping you. You are stronger than you know. Remember what you told me you have coped with in the past, remember how strong you were then, no matter how frighened you were, you coped and you got through it. I want you to believe in yourself, believe you are a good person that you can get through this today. Do you have something you could take with you? Example, when I went into hospital I took my little angel with me and held it in my hand, I even took her down with me and only parted with her when I went into the pre-med room and only on the understanding that they would put her back into my hand for when I came around, you see "my angel" is my mum who died 23/12/1990 and I had to have "my angel" with me. It helped me and perhaps you could have something like that to take with you. If you like, it is my comfort blanket, but it works, I was so frightened to have my operation and I was convinced I would die on the operating table, but I didn't and I believe "my angel" protected me. Would this help you, I know it may sound silly, but when I am troubled I carry "my angel" with me, plus before you go to the meeting could you write down things you want to discuss? I forget things when I am stressed and if I am meeting someone new or having an interview I go to pieces, but if I have a list of things I want to dissuss in front of me I feel more focused, could you try that to? I don't know what else to suggest, but know that I am thinking of you and I will try to check you out later today. Can you let me know how you get on. I know this is a hard time of year for you, as it is for me. I do understand, I lost my Mum two days before Christmas, I know your grandparents (who were like parents to you) would want you to have a happy life and not get upset because they are no longer here and I know my Mum would want the same, but I know how hard it is. Hang in there my dear, dear friend, I am here for you. Go to your meeting, take something you treasure to hold, take your notes and see how you get on. I am thinking of you ... lots of hugs, love and kisses ... Karen xx

lucylocket
I know this is all really difficult for you AJ1, but like people have suggested above, your new keyworker might just turn out to be a very good and supportive worker.Try to go into it with an open mind.Best wishes Lydia xx

nebel
Karen said it best all I can add is that I'll be praying for you that things get better for you. You've proven before that you are strong & I urge you not to forget that. You CAN do this.
Love & hugs,

Alexandra5
i understand this trust issue, believe me i have had to do that a few times, its like you feel no one really wants to help you, theyre just full of it, but in our eyes we dont even feel we deserve it, altho we do, we just dont see that. its going to be ok, the anneversary of my MOMz death (she wasnt really my mom but she raised me) was aug sixth, four years ago she died infront of me, i watch her slip away, she died of a brain anurism so i understand the grief when it comes to remembering, i can never get the image out of my head. i loved and needed her like the day needs the sun...when my mother abandon me over and over again she was there, when my step dad hurt me over and over for seven years she was there...then to be there and watch her die i mean i was the last person to say i love you, the last to give her a hug, then she went upstairs and was gone...just like that...anyways i know the pain you are feeling, i know the desire to be wanted, to not have to plead to be loved!! cuz thats how it feels, that we are pleading with others "please love me, accept me, want me!!!" but they choose to do their own thing, and not care, or seem to understand. i dont understand this thing they do but its not our faults, its theirs for being so cold and un-understanding, you are special, you are worth it you really are!! sometimes we just have to push our way out! and fight this thing clawing and biting our way through! you can do this hon, you can! i believe in you...and you now what? someday soon there will be the perfect, supportive worker who will be there, and really mean it!!! your wonderful!! dont forget that ok?? lots of hugz and love...chrissy

crzyglu
Hi Aj, sorry I have not been around, not been keeping to well here.
A short note to say thinking of you, and I hope you can cope with all this that you are getting put through just now, sending big hugs, Liz , x

elk1000ok
You've asked me to comment on your journal entry, and to this, I will be brutally honest. I do feel sympathy for you in having to go through all that you are. But, you have two ways of looking at this. Either the cup is half full, or it's half empty. If you continue to look at life as it's half full, nothing you do will ever get better. I know, it's easier sometimes to wallow in our own self pity then it is to get up and do something about it. Easier to hear words that soothe our fractured soul, then it is to have someone be totally honest. If you change your views towards life, and realize it is what it is, let the past stay in its past, acknowledge it for what it was, and move forward. You have today, and today is the best time to make a move. Don't set long terms goals, those are only to be broken. but set your sight on what you can do now to better your attitude towards life and those affected around you. AJ, try lifting your self. find the goodness in just one thing, and many more will follow. I do hope that you find peace and contempment at this time.....
take care, gentle hugs

lkeogh
Have you talked to them about your concerns about the frequent changes and not getting enough support?? Is this something that is regulated?? Is there a way to report their crappy care?? If you are living there, and paying for their services through your rent...you should get what you're paying for. Is there any written contract that says what you are to get??
Do you have an Ombudsman to report it to, and he will investigate it?? There is one that writes for our local newspaper. And people call him about Nursing Home problems and such.

TLCDaisy
I know change for some people is harder than others' We all have to do it and it's sux at times' I will be praying for you to get through it' eric

Ps.
Have you recieved my letter yet?

ericch
Being silent for alittle while until you trust this person is ok, even let them know that you have a hard time trusting people and explain to them why. Don't become a hermit, it will do you no good, but I can understand not wanting to deal with another new person. It is going to be OK AJ, things always has a way of working out. They always say three times is a charm, let's see. We are still here for you to talk to. Give it a chance and keep me updated on your thoughts of this new person. Love Ya.

GentleSilverWolf
Sometimes change can be good, and change can be bad. I hope this all works out for you, as I am sorry to hear that you are going through this! Be strong and remember all your friends that support you here on Daily Strength! Find the strength to keep going, and know that we are there with you!

Mommy2Emi
I know how you feel christmas is always a hard time for me too, i have anniversarys of things id rather not mention too, but at some point we just need to not forget but just hold our head up high, not that i can talk. I also know what its like to be having new workers its very hard cos you have to start from the beginning and learn to trust again but you never know you could end up with someone better x

emilymorgan07
hello i am sorry havent been on here in a long time.
i been really bad myself been in hospital for a massive overdose a nearly died.
anyway hun i know exactly were you are cuming from as the doctor i was getting to know left for maternity leave.
then i moved so had to change doctors.
havent even meet new doctor.
my social worker discharged me from mental health services and also phychiatric doctor.
i have nobody been left on my own.
i stop taking my tablets as they were only given me a weeks supply at a time.
which when ya at college 3 days a week and work the other is hard to pick up.
i have also left my job and just started a new one which so much better, and infact i started to feel better but the last two weeks i felt so bad.
i know i need my tablets but whats the point when they taken all the other support away from me.
i just feel like i want to jump of a bridge or go in front a train.
i feeling very low and its my bday next week and just think what the point.
when i see my dad or family i just say i am fine and try act normal.
i am stuggling badly but keeping it to myself as dont think my family really care.
its like i staying at home xmas day on my lonely self.
but to make thing worse the friend who was there the most when i was really down and who called an ambulance when i was really bad has nothing to do with me anymore.
i mean i text her but never get a reply if i do its kept short i feel so down.
take care babe i know what ya going through.
luv dani.x.

danicaile
Keep praying, God give me the wisdom and strength to get througth another week, or another day, half day, hour, minute. Continue to trust that He will supply all your needs. That also means comfort to. Lean on Him like you never have before. HE IS THE ONE YOU CAN TRUST. Think if all your dead family, friends. What would they say if they could see you.? Walk in the peace of God. You can only encourage others as He has encouraged you.
So seek His face and do not be discouraged.

horsenut