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AJ1's Journal

Journal Entry for October 9, 2007 Mood

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Can Never Escape My Past!!!!

Found out last night that I had a meeting with the manager of the place I am living the following day. I asked key worker if I was in trouble. She said no. I asked her had I done anything to upset her or concern her. She said no. I asked her was she attending the meeting to support me. She said yes.

Well I went to the meeting today, still not feeling emotionally great, keyworker did not come in like she said she would, instead someone else came in who I really don’t feel comfortable around and in the meeting I was basically torn apart.

Firstly I got really told off for my behaviour and speech in general around my keyworker, apparently keyworker had complained about how I am around her. I was told off for writing letters to my keyworker (which I only wrote to her when she was busy and needed to say something urgent to her and she gave her word that she would be the only one to see them, yet now know she has given them to the manager) which so many other people write to her. Told off for the amount of time I spend with her when in reality unless something comes up, I have kept to the two meetings a week which I am allowed (but hang on a minute what about my friend who sees this keyworker every day for hours, is always wanting “a quick chat” which lasts hours, who expects to see her before anyone else, this does not seem right or fair, but did not mention this to manager in the meeting as do not want to stab keyworker in back, that’s not me, want to speak to her first about it) Thens she told me off for wanting someone to come with me to the doctors for a blood test, which I only needed someone there as scared of needles, and asked for keyworker to come as did at the time feel comfortable and safe around her.

Then she moved on to me changing my name and not in to many words she basically told me that I am not who I say I am because I have committed some serious criminal offence in my past and changed my name so I will not be found out (when in reality I changed it legally due to the fact my childhood became headline news only a few years before and I thought the only choice I had to be anyone after that was by changing my name and so that I did not have to keep bringing up my past, yet I was wrong as every time I fill out an official form I have to tell them that I changed my name and why that was, so was pointless changing my name as can never escape my past) but I told my keyworker what the reasons was for changing it. Also I am being told I could be evicted and be made homeless due to this.

I did not need this all this now on top of everything else. I feel so betrayed by my keyworker and that she has lied to me and betrayed me in such a big way, like so many others in the past, that again I feel like no one can be trusted, that everyone just wants to hurt me and destroy me, that I will never be able to escape my past, that it would just be better all round if I just ended it now and save everyone the bother and time of constantly tearing me down, as I cant continue in life always thinking everyone is going to betray me that no one can be trust,

That my past is always going to come up, as just on its own my past is like some disease that has plagued my life for so long and I so want it out of me and be free of it, yet it seems that will not ever be the case, whilst I am a live, that the only way I can truly be free of it is by ending my life, then I and no one else will be hurt by it.

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Comments

AJ dont make any rash decisions, i know your feeling really alone right now, ive been there too. i also know how it feels to never be able to escape your past, hell my parents are half the reason things that happened to me did because of the fact they were never home and I was left in charge at an early age, i know its not the same, however ive been through some rough stuff in my life, and i tried to kill myself just last week only to regret it. i was placed on this earth by god for a purpose, havent found out wtf it is yet, but i guess one day he will show me. you are the same way. maybe instead of trying to "forget" your past you need to face your demons and knock them the hell out. i know its hard to talk about trauma like what has happened to you hun, but trust me in the end you will feel better. if you need to vent/talk/cry/laugh im here. feel free to hit me up on yahoo if you have it or msn lizzy440 is the sn both places. you are a wonderful person from all the things i have read you are just having it rough right now, and i know how that is. please talk instead of doing something you may/will regret later.

lizzy440
5 years ago I came so close to ending my life and at the time my three childrens lives, I just wanted all the pain to stop I couldn't take any more hurt I was pushed over the edge... And A miracle happened as I am still alive so are my beautiful children, and as i look back now I shudder when I think about what I almost did... I know that it may seem that everything is keeping you in the past but please don't do anything, it does seem like it keeps draging you back and the pain is all to real and over welming, but you have to keep going as there are people here who care for you and you can make it you can move past this incedent... It just takes a little time but it happens, it is painful I fully know this, and i think that what was done to you was totaly unfair and unwarented ... We do get draged back at first but eventualy we do get out, and when that happens it is truely worth surviving and not letting narow minded people destroy us...I don't know if I can say anything to you to change your mind , but i'll let you know that if at all you want to talk or have some on to listen to you then i'm here ok... I hope you stay safe and i get the chance to speak to you again, my heart goes out to you take care... xxxoooxxx love from lesley Australia

power
Ali listen to the people above, let them help you. I want you to ring the Samaratans in the UK and get details of options open to you here. I gave you the number before. If the people you are with are not helping you then you need to find people who will. Did you change your name by deed poll? If you did, I believe there will be no need to disclose your old name, I will look into this and come back to you. I am sorry I haven't been here for you, but I am thinking of you. Hang in there Ali. Love to you .... Karen xxx

lucylocket
Hi Ali,

I don't know if you changed your name by Deed Poll, but have looked this up and this may be an option you may want to take:

About Deed Polls
What is a Deed Poll?
A Deed Poll is a legal document - not a certificate. It is a form of legal contract but it differs from legal contracts between two or more parties in that it only concerns one person (and it is only signed by that person). A Deed Poll therefore binds the person who signs it to a particular course of action as detailed on the Deed Poll document.

Although Deed Polls are used for various purposes relating to an individual legally committing themselves to doing something, they have one generally accepted meaning, that is, a change of name. However, the correct legal name for a deed that has been drawn up to change someone's name is a Deed of Change of Name.

A Deed Poll for a change of name contains three declarations and by executing the Deed Poll (signing, dating and having your signing witnessed) you are committing yourself to:

Abandoning the use of your former name;
Using your new name only at all times;
Requiring all persons to address you by your new name only.
Our Deed Polls also carry our official seal so there is no question about its authenticity.

In summary, a Deed Poll issued by us provides you with documentary evidence that you have changed your name and that you are legally binding yourself to using your new name. Although a Deed Poll is an English legal document, our Deed Polls are recognised by all government departments, companies and organisations throughout the United Kingdom.

I think as soon as you official change your name then you just go and get everything changed to that name and that is it, no one should ask you any questions why you have changed your name, it is not their business, it could be just because you hate your current name i.e I could be called Shirley and hate that name and wish to be called Lucy, I could get my name changed and it is no one elses business. I hope this helps. Now addressing where to live: The Samaratans or Citizens Advice Bureau here in England can help you or you could go to your local council. I know it is hard going by yourself if other will not help you, but know that you do not walk alone, God will be at your side and I will be thinking of you.
Good luck my friend, don't let these bxxxxxds grind you down. Thinking of you ... Karen xx

lucylocket
hun hoping things work out here for u always xxoo

C4O
your in my prayers i feel so bad for you

angelrv61
this is so so tough for you - really, this betrayal with the keyworker brought all your past back, didnt it, quite apart from the other problems with the name change and things. you have got a lot on your plate - and thanks so much for leaving a message on my journal, just when yuou feel so bad yourself....that is so sweet of you and you deserve a MIRACLE....hang on in there...huggggggggggggggs Cathrynn XX (I am ok, just having a vent, feel a bit better now..)

Cathrynn
Just have faith, I know it is hard, but it will work out. Extra Hugs!!!!

GentleSilverWolf
Hi AJ... your keyworker hasn't earned your trust... but has done the opposite of it. If trust is wanted by the keyworker, then the keyworker needs to show they're worthy of being trusted.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with a person like that... can't trust an un-trustworthy person. We want to trust/believe in others..... but they gotta do their part, too.
I hope things work out great for you... & I hope life treats you kind.
I'm going thru a rough time concerning trusting my hubby... he keeps breaking his word, saying one thing but doing another.
I've thought about ending it all, but not gonna kill myself over it 'cause HE AIN'T WORTH IT... he's NOT worth me losing MY LIFE.
Gonna enjoy doing things I like to do... & get all the good out of life that I can.
Thank you for the sweet hug!
For you>>> Oceans of love & hugs on every wave!
Mona

moonpie
I am so sorry you are in a low place at the moment... I have been in that place also a while ago... Your keyworker is not trustworthy and you need someone who can be there for you especially at this time.. I hope you can get the help.. and if you ever need to talk I will be here for you... Please don't feel you have to end life.. everyone is here to help you...
XXXX
Hugs and Kisses
Tigger

Tigger2905
a lot of artists change their names legally. people also change their names because of marriages or because they don't like the name given at birth. people only know what you tell them. you don't have to get into the real reason. they just need a reason to write down on the form, and if the form doesn't say give reason, and you can ask, does it say that? let me see. real incredulous. then there is no real reason to tell them. you can say, for your work. you are an artist. writer. actor. whatever. its nobody's business WHY you changed it. i use nick names on lots of things and some places don't like that so i'll use a different bank. i just leave and go to the next one. on the phone even easier. hang up and call back and you get a different person and eventually if you hang up enough or if you get lucky the next person is nice and helpful. a lot of people don't know much, so anything that is at all out of the ordinary throws them off. plus most jobs switch workers so often, even if the worker says they are there a year or three years, its probably not true and they are new and have no clue what they are doing so anything different freaks them out.

79pounds