AJ1's Journal

Today I went into a meeting with the manager of where I am living and one of the members of staff who I have to add at this point I have asked this member of staff several times since I found out about this meeting why was she going to be in it and had I done anything wrong in relation to her and she told me that she had no idea what the meeting was about and why she was in it.

So I was very much surprised when in the meeting the manager said that this member of staff had some things she wished to bring up, why did she lie to me, could she not tell me that she had some things to discuss but that she would discuss them in the meeting, rather then lie to my Face

I was also told that this would be a good meeting that I was not in trouble, that I quickly realised was a lie as well, when they started telling me I was controlling and manipulative in some ways I behave, the main area being how I can be really talkative some time and then go in myself and clam up, this is not me being controlling or manipultive rather it is a way I use to cope when I feel threatened and attack which I was in the meeting so again I naturally clam up, and this gets their back up. If you were wondering I did try to explain why I clam up and go slient but they dont want to hear what i have to say.

The next blow they delivered was in respect to a form I needed to fill out which took one hour to complete, I was forth coming with the information required of me and the member of staff gave me a list of things to go away and find and take to the lady who had given me the form. Well in this meeting this member of staff who helped me to fill out this form said to her manager that the form took TWO nights to complete that I was not forth coming with information and that she had given me a list of things I was supposed to bring back to her the following night. Please belive me when I say it was not like this at all, I dont understand why this member of staff said this.

The next thing they went on about was making up about how I injuryed my leg that there is nothing with it, at the end of the day I would not make something like this up I am a very active person, who is a workaholic, it is driving me insane being off and having to rest and being in so much pain and taking tablets, I would so not put myself through all that if my leg was not truely bad, even my doctors believe there is something wrong and have refered me to the hospital for further tests to find out what is causing me all this pain.

Thy then had a go at me for speaking to several members of staff, I cant please this manager guy he complains if I talk to just one member of staff and now he complains that I talk to several members of staff is there no pleasing this guy, I get in trouble either way.

Then finally the last thing they said was the reason I am relunctant to go for counselling is because I know I will be found out, that what happened in my past when I was a child did not happen that I made it all up, this again is a load of lies because I have a number of people who can back up what I was saying wether that be doctors, hospitals, health workers, social workers, teachers, siblings and other children.

What does this manager have to back up such a statement, can he really say this to me? Again people query my past because they cant get their head round how someone can go through that and survive, is it too much to ask to have people that can at least belive me when they find out about my past.

So in closing I left this meeting really upset and shock up as I was not prepared for this, can they really speak to you like this, am I wrong in how I clam up when I feel threatened and attacked? did i make up all my past? am i getting time confused in realtion to the filling out the form incident? how do i move forward in this?