AJ1's Journal

Today I went into a meeting with the manager of where I am living and one of the members of staff who I have to add at this point I have asked this member of staff several times since I found out about this meeting why was she going to be in it and had I done anything wrong in relation to her and she told me that she had no idea what the meeting was about and why she was in it.

So I was very much surprised when in the meeting the manager said that this member of staff had some things she wished to bring up, why did she lie to me, could she not tell me that she had some things to discuss but that she would discuss them in the meeting, rather then lie to my Face

I was also told that this would be a good meeting that I was not in trouble, that I quickly realised was a lie as well, when they started telling me I was controlling and manipulative in some ways I behave, the main area being how I can be really talkative some time and then go in myself and clam up, this is not me being controlling or manipultive rather it is a way I use to cope when I feel threatened and attack which I was in the meeting so again I naturally clam up, and this gets their back up. If you were wondering I did try to explain why I clam up and go slient but they dont want to hear what i have to say.

The next blow they delivered was in respect to a form I needed to fill out which took one hour to complete, I was forth coming with the information required of me and the member of staff gave me a list of things to go away and find and take to the lady who had given me the form. Well in this meeting this member of staff who helped me to fill out this form said to her manager that the form took TWO nights to complete that I was not forth coming with information and that she had given me a list of things I was supposed to bring back to her the following night. Please belive me when I say it was not like this at all, I dont understand why this member of staff said this.

The next thing they went on about was making up about how I injuryed my leg that there is nothing with it, at the end of the day I would not make something like this up I am a very active person, who is a workaholic, it is driving me insane being off and having to rest and being in so much pain and taking tablets, I would so not put myself through all that if my leg was not truely bad, even my doctors believe there is something wrong and have refered me to the hospital for further tests to find out what is causing me all this pain.

Thy then had a go at me for speaking to several members of staff, I cant please this manager guy he complains if I talk to just one member of staff and now he complains that I talk to several members of staff is there no pleasing this guy, I get in trouble either way.

Then finally the last thing they said was the reason I am relunctant to go for counselling is because I know I will be found out, that what happened in my past when I was a child did not happen that I made it all up, this again is a load of lies because I have a number of people who can back up what I was saying wether that be doctors, hospitals, health workers, social workers, teachers, siblings and other children.

What does this manager have to back up such a statement, can he really say this to me? Again people query my past because they cant get their head round how someone can go through that and survive, is it too much to ask to have people that can at least belive me when they find out about my past.

So in closing I left this meeting really upset and shock up as I was not prepared for this, can they really speak to you like this, am I wrong in how I clam up when I feel threatened and attacked? did i make up all my past? am i getting time confused in realtion to the filling out the form incident? how do i move forward in this?

I have so messed up my life, I have been at the YMCA now for twelve months, in that time my attention has been taken up by several big events that have happened in my life, which needed priority over other things. now I have almost got through them and can focus more on the reasons I came to this place in the first place, that being getting my life sorted.

I am generally a very independent person who likes to do things herself and really struggles to ask for help. This is something I have really struggled to overcome whilst I have ben here, yet I have now begun to realise that I cant work out all these things on my own and need some help, unfortunatly two big things stand in my way one being I have played such a good act of coping myself that the staff here cant seem to understand that i am struggling in certain areas.

But though this is a problem my bigger problem is my age though I am only 24 (the YMCA I am living in is for 16 - 30 yrs old, which you are able to live in upto 2 years) and at least to thirds of the staff who work here say that I should still live here because there are areas in my life I really need help with that the YMCA can help me with, and based on them I should be here for the forseeable future, but what is so holding me back is my age.

Firstly because of my age I can not be in a shared room and have a keyworker (in a shared room you get alot of support off an assigned keyworker in the areas which you have difficulty in) so instead I am in a single room which you are only allowed very small amounts of support, which is not ideal but at least better then none, secondly in this YMCA at this time it seems that they are trying to fill it up with 16, 17 and 18 years old as apparently they need the support therefore the people over this age are either now not getting in here or are being moved out of here to make room for the younger ones because of this it looks like I could be moved out soon though at this  time no one has said anything, it really looks like it is coming, not because I am ready to live on my own and certain areas in my life are sorted but just purely because of my age.

This is ok in a sense as they do need help, but my question is what about the ones who are older then that, where do they go for the support they need to get their lives on track, because honestly there is no where for them no one who can really offer the help these people need, at least for the younger ones they are allowed in this country to access additional help from the social services department to get their lives on track, something the older ones can not access.

So basically the message being given out in this country at this present time is if you are in the 16 - 18 yrs bracket, then this country will move heaven and earth to help you, yet if you are unfortunate to be over that age and not have your life sorted then basically you are screwed as there is becoming less and less places you can go for help and more importantly support, as in this country they expect you to have all your difficulties and struggles worked out by the time you are 19. Which for some people is just not posible for whatever reason.

So I was just wondering what I should do in this situation, as I came to the YMCA because I was led to believe that they would help me which I now realise they would do if I am younger but not my age, as really this is my last chance to get my llife sorted and on track and if I lose this place I am REALLY going to struggle out there at this time and so dont want to,All I am asking for is to be allowed to have some time to just deal with a few areas in my life and get my life back on track before I leave here is that really to much to ask???????

I am having a really hard time right now about a month ago one of my best friends in the world who was like a sister to me was murdered on a night out since then I have done my best to deal with the array of emotions that have come up with losing my friend, also on top of this we have had the funeral, a doctor who has nothing to do with me has had a right go at me for nothing at all, I found out my mother betrayed me again and a friend is angry at me because I have not seen them recently. also in a few weeks time it is the anniversery of my fiancees death

If this was not enough to deal with alll the emotions I have begun to drink and the member of staff here tell me that I have not been drinking (I think I should know if I have been drinking or not) that I am just showing off that I am faking how I am, that I am lying and I am acting childish.

When I tried to speak to the member of staff later on in the evening she went further in saying that I dont seem happy in this place, that I complain about all the members of staff (but with anyone there will be bits we like about them and bits we dont and I do also say really nice things about these members of staff at other times) that I require more support then this place can offer and I play up to certain members of staff

I could not believe what I was hearing is it not enough that I have lost one of my best friends in the world at this time and that I am struggling coming to terms with it, why does everyone see that this would be a good time to attack me and put so much more on me and also hint at I could lose my place here because I am upset at times at the moment (I think I have a right to be upset at recent events, dont I?)

I just feel so upset, confused, dont know who I can trust in this time, so want support yet not sure who I can turn to for it, or even what I should do in this time, whether it is wrong to be upset about my friend dying.

Anyone any answers???????????????????