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It's getting cold in Maine. I wonder when it will snow-hmmmm I love snowy days.
My husband and I had a huge blow out fight this Sunday. Only it wasn't a fight, but rather him letting some of his anger out. He yelled (he never yells) about having to see coworkers with brand new babies, having to see friends' babies, having to answer questions still... We cried until we both got headaches and our mouths were dry.
It was so painful, but I think in the end so good for us to finally talk about loosing our Nina, and to talk about how we felt. Mostly he talked, which is rare. I feel so much more connected to him now.
We start couples counseling around this grief on Monday. I hope it helps.
This week has been especially hard. Four months gone by seem like a blink.
Today we had a whole staff meeting. Two of the teachers who had babies this summer were sitting next to eachother with their laptops showing one another pictures of their newborns. It made me want to throw up. We've all been there right? I now hate them. Not really, but it's like I got booted out of this little friendship we had formed last year, and it stinks. I also hate the sad looks they give me when we pass each other in the halls, or when they saw me just staring at them. I of course left the room, but they just kept on looking. It really feels now more than ever that people, especially those I see often, don't understand how badly this still hurts, and that it's often better to spend an evening alone with my thoughts and memories, than trying to put on a face for them, or listening to them boo hoo about too much work, or boyfriends, or some such problem that I would LOVE to have instead.
Thanks to all of you who have been there for me in little ways. You know..I got you too!
Hugs and wishes for snowflakes.
t
My husband and I had a huge blow out fight this Sunday. Only it wasn't a fight, but rather him letting some of his anger out. He yelled (he never yells) about having to see coworkers with brand new babies, having to see friends' babies, having to answer questions still... We cried until we both got headaches and our mouths were dry.
It was so painful, but I think in the end so good for us to finally talk about loosing our Nina, and to talk about how we felt. Mostly he talked, which is rare. I feel so much more connected to him now.
We start couples counseling around this grief on Monday. I hope it helps.
This week has been especially hard. Four months gone by seem like a blink.
Today we had a whole staff meeting. Two of the teachers who had babies this summer were sitting next to eachother with their laptops showing one another pictures of their newborns. It made me want to throw up. We've all been there right? I now hate them. Not really, but it's like I got booted out of this little friendship we had formed last year, and it stinks. I also hate the sad looks they give me when we pass each other in the halls, or when they saw me just staring at them. I of course left the room, but they just kept on looking. It really feels now more than ever that people, especially those I see often, don't understand how badly this still hurts, and that it's often better to spend an evening alone with my thoughts and memories, than trying to put on a face for them, or listening to them boo hoo about too much work, or boyfriends, or some such problem that I would LOVE to have instead.
Thanks to all of you who have been there for me in little ways. You know..I got you too!
Hugs and wishes for snowflakes.
t
Comments
uggg, so I have been feeling pretty low the past few days. I think it is all of the buzz around Halloween and the upcoming four month anniversary of Nina's death. Lately, there have been a lot more days when I worry if I am depressed, or worse, if I am going to feel like this forever. Crying seems to help a little, but there is so little time for me to cry during a day, and then I go back to wondering if something is wrong with me, should I feel better than this by now? Will I feel better than this someday? When will I wake up thinking about something other than why? or here I go again.
The worse part is all of the anger I feel towards people, people who have done absolutely nothing wrong. The anger is out of control and totally unreasonable. I feel angry at my friends who haven't called since September, I feel angry at my sister who I am certain is pregnant, but is too scared to tell me ( I can't blame her). I feel angry at my husband, for not taking any initiative to help us find a grief counselor it goes on and on. My sister in law got a book deal with a pretty big publisher and I am even resentful that something so good is happening in her life when I know I should be really excited and proud. But all i can wonder is when will something good come my way. I know I sound like a total baby, and I am not proud of these feelings at all, I wish I could just set them free and feel lighter, kinder, and content.
Comments
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All those same questions and feelings are swimming through my mind as well. I just wish I had an answer to atleast one. My four month mark is coming up soon too, on the 7th. Hugs.
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I think how you're feeling is normal. I still have good and bad days, and it's been over 8 months since I lost Devin. It seems the worst for me around AF. Those hormones don't help! I too wonder when something good will happen. I said to my husband last night that I'm tired of the up and down, and I wonder when I'll really feel better. Hang in there, you're not alone.
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Mate - good one you fo just writing tese feelings. That's what DS is for - to sound like a baby if you want too -(although you are not)
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I think that it is great that your partner 'vented' it is something we all need to do once in a while, tho it sounds like he may not do it enough. Where I live it does not snow but I imagine it would be nice - so snowflake wishes for you! After my daughter was (still)born I could not face pregnant women/babies (esp. newborns) & avoided a close friend who had a baby not long after Willow was born - I just did not want to hear about sleepless nights, constant crying, or any of the other 'problems' she was having - it all faded into insignificance compared to the 'problem' I was having. And honestly those feelings did not go away 'til I had my son a year later. Well, actually, I should say they faded, rather than left, as I occasionally still get a pang of jealousy when confronted in certain situations. Sending u hugs.
Dee.
WillowsMum
That's good your husband got his feelings out, that's good not to hold them in. I know how you feel about people looking at baby picutes, or talking about babies at work. I sit right next to a girl that has a ton of pictures of her 1 year old up, and another lady just had a grandbaby a few months ago, and I constantly over hear people looking at the pictures saying how beautiful she is. It always makes me feel bad. It is hard when people don't get how much this hurts and how long the pain really lasts. You're not alone. Hugs.
Jen2279
I honestly think the majority of the world will never understand where we are. They either pity us or ignore us completely. Just know there are people who are living through this just like you and we understand and are here for you. I'm glad you and your husband were able to release a little, its great that you can do that together.
StephaniePaige
Great for you and HUbby!!!! Let me know how couples coucelling goes!!!!
I know the feeling of people looking at you, sometimes I feel I have BIG sign over my head!! You poor thing, it's hard isn't!
hanna30
That's great that your husband expressed his pain and anger to you. It must have been a relief for him to just let it out. Good luck with couples counseling.
I give you a lot of credit for dealing with your co-workers. It has got to be so tough. Having a stillbirth can cause you to feel almost like an outcast. With the sad looks and uncomfortable encounters. Keep you chin up. And like Jen said, you are not alone. Hugs.
NicOG