DocentValentine's Journal

Went to see my doctor today I get 20 minutes and another appointment in 2 months its so dam frustarating to have no one to talk too.Luckily my friend jack Daniels burns the edges off the Bleakness of existence for another night.I reall want to go to a church but due to my social phobia I find i just cannot especially in such a small knit community as this,For do we not judge even in church.When people look at me they see this 6'4 hulking guy with such a cold expression on his face it immediately scares people.Very few people have the courage to seek a deeper understanding of me and realize im not a dumb psycho...lol.I have an deep personality with deep thoughts but few pierce the surface of this as is how people are programmed.Why can't I just be me must I subscribe to a label for acceptance such as punk goth hippie redneck alternative...What the hell does it mean im just me and I won't jump under an umbrella of a label just to belong even in my loneliness I suppose i still have some standards.Excuse the rant lol I figure my first few journal entries or so is just going to be me bleeding all the things I want to say but only say to myself when I lay in bed at night dreaming of the if's would' could's and shoulda's, Well you know what im talking about if you ever lay in bed fighting you shitty PA while wondering what went wrong where it went wrong and why it went wrong.Strangely my emotions are unlocked by a good book a clever movie...Fantasy devices that let losse floods of emotional release that I just cannot seem to find in real life.Why can I feel so strongly for a Imaginary character and feel nothing for a real individual.quite the mystery.Anyway any mispelling can be blamed on my current blurred vison.Just my thoughts on some things I think about.I figure a few more days of this depressing drivel and it will be out of my system.I believe in you god...Please believe in me and help me becuase I really need your help.