biowoman's Journal

Journal Entry for October 1, 2007 Mood

Monday, October 1, 2007

Oh Alex...I miss you...I am so tired of being sad...of talking and dumping on friends...to hear them cry...because they miss you... because they know I miss you...because there is no way to help me feel better...because it is sad...so sad...

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I know this sadness. it bubbles and boils underneath and erupts out of your heart...it is physically painful...it can be immobilizing.
I not only miss my son, I miss ME...after attending a grief retreat in May of this year, I left with a definition for that..."new-normal"
We need to accept our "new normal" as we are forever changed by the life alterning event of our childs death...but we and our loved ones will have to accept this new normal into our lives so that we can then grieve forward...not backwards.

AnnM
I understand so well what you are saying, as I'm sure countless others do. I feel like I am removed from my body and just watching myself go through the motions of what others expect. I find that I can get closest to my old life when I'm with my grandkids. Lots of times even with them the reality of their Daddy not being with them just slaps me in the face and I really have to struggle to hold on and not go into a crying spree. I wonder if we will ever feel like ourselves again. I pray for strength and comfort for you...love...Lynn

l8gra
I feel your pain and I understand how you are feling. It is soo sad and grief is ugly and messy and we each go at our own pace. I find I go forward only to slide back again. I don't think we will ever be who we were before, we'll be us but different. I'm sure your friends are okay with you as you say "dumping" on them, good friends are a God send. The more you talk about Alex the quicker you begin to heal. Talk girl and I'll listen. Love and hugs Cathy

RockstarsMom
The pain is intense and you are still going through the "raw period". How can you do anything else but cry and be sad for now. I feel your pain. I am praying that God lifts some of the pain off you so you can start to feel a bit better every day. In the mean time share all your feelings and I am here for you. Inga

ihart
Your love for Alex is deep. It is OK to cry. You are not dumping. One day someone will need to dump on you. I know you've let me dump a time or two. Your friends are angels sent when you need them. Love Robin

Robin4
IT'S NORMAL, and your not loosing it. It's okay to cry, thats what we do best right now. Give yourself lots of time and take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself. You can dump on me anytime. I'm here for ya. Love ya, HUGS

TracyW
you're words are my feelings - I'm trying to embrace the "new" way of life and know how hard it is? I'm heading to Vegas this weekend with friends and I'm going to try and go in Matt's spirit. He will never have the chance to gamble, win or lose, I'm going to try so hard to have a good time and not get down. I hope I deserve it, I know my fiance does. Much love, prayers and big hugs

lynette22