biowoman's Journal

Journal Entry for September 20, 2007 Mood

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I went to my church circle meeting tonight. It was the first one that I have been to since Alex died. These women all have been reaching out to me and they were all glad to see me...it was just so differernt...their lives are going on...normally. I know they hurt to see me...and I know they miss Alex too...he had grown up in the church and they loved him too...but now it is different. I sat there listening to the business in the lady's group...stuff about the church...stuff about their lives...and I thought they are clueless. I pray they remain clueless...but they have no idea how good their lives are...they have no idea what true pain is...about true sorrow One lady told...kinda a little testimony...about how she had a near-death experiences...because of heart problems. She talked about how she could not make it without God...that she realized that she had no control in that moment when she was so ill. I wanted to shout out that YOU HAVE NO CONTROL...EVER! These sweet friends...still think that if they pray...that their children will be protected from death...that if they pray people will make it through surgeries ...if they pray. It isn't true...because if it were true then my Alex would not be dead. I wanted to be with these women...but I don't know...they don't understand...they can't understand... I feel so empty...I feel like only my friends here can possibly "get it".

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oh hun you are so right, if prayer were going to keep someone alive then all our children would still be here. and yes we do understand unfortunately.the only thing you can feel some peace about is the fact that they do not know what you are going thru, and hopefully never ever will our friends or family ever know the pain of losing a child. maybe its just too soon for you to be there again, maybe your just not ready to deal with the "outside world" yet. i know i am not in any way shape or form. just know we are always with you and here for you hun!!!!
much love and many many hugs to you and alex!!!!!!!

DylansmomDenise
I have not yet been able to attend the women's meetings-I tried the one that was the social club and that was a disaster-I felt the same way-everyone talking about their children and grandchildren-you just may not be ready yet. And yes, we do operate as if we have magic words that will forever protect us and our family-we have all learned we don't-it is such a hard lesson but it is one that I think will actually eventually bring you closer to your faith-not at first-you have a lot to sort through-but you will and you will emerge with a deeper faith that may be a little different than before but it will be strong. Please read that book When Bad Things Happen to Good People-he talks so much about being around people who say things like this-it really helped me. Love, Sandy

sandart
I actually have read that book about 2 months ago...and it really did help...I guess I need to read it again, huh? Thanks Sandy!

biowoman
I get it, we who have lost a child all get it. Hang tough my friend. Take Care. BIG HUGS

TracyW
People are what they know. I understand your feelings. it bothered me more the first half year after my son died then it does now. I also would listen to people talk and just think " my baby is gone and you are talking about WHAT".The only thing important to me was that I was in pain bacause i missed my baby so much and they acted like life was continuing. My life had stopped and now it is in slow motion.
i stay home all the time because I am not ready to have trivial discussions or be around people that don't understand.

ihart
Unfortunitly they don't get it and nobody should ever have to get it, but we all do. Small things are of no importance to us and it hurts to see people so complacent about their lives and families. All our senses area s o heightened they almost hurt. You can't tell them either it's just beyond their ability to understand.Bad things do happen to good people and God had nothing to do with it. The chaotic world did it but God will give us grace and strenght to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry us when we can't walk. He sends people to us to lift us up and to reach for us and pull us forward, we are those people, hang on to us. Love and Hugs Cathy

RockstarsMom