sparkyy089's Journal

okay i need to write this out so i remember it really good.

my exboyfriend called me tonight. we have not been going out for like a month and a half. i loved him so much and completely let him into my life. then a month and a half b4 i came home to him he said that it was over. he didnt have a good reason. i told him that that it was it, no getting back together then told him that if i were him id just wait a month and a half til i came home and we werent long distance nemore. he said we should just be over. so i was like okay, got over him, still kind of miss him but really like being single right now and just being free, i feel like i was trapped for the past year and a half. at first he only called me a little, then more, then more. now he calls me all the time. then tonight he told me that he wanted to go back out. he asked me if i liked being single. then he said that he missed me. then when we said bye he said "i love u" i didnt know what to say. i mean i still love him in a way but i dont think that i want to lead him on or that i love him the same. im pretty much over breaking up with him. but him saying this makes me feel involved all over again and i in some ways just want to be done. i told him that i needed time and that i liked being single even tho i did like going out with him. and i told him that i needed time and maybe we could go out sometime in the future. i feel soooo bad. i love him, i always will but i just cant do it again. b4 our last break up, we have been on and off for a few months. i just cant take it anymore. i didnt want to go back out with him and i was so over him but his being all sad and begging me to go back out with him depresses me even more. ive been trying so hard not to cut but damn i need to. this was the last straw. i want to die. i just do. i cant take it anymore. i feel like such an awful human being. i also been gossiping alot lately. i deserve to die. i should die. holy shit i need to cut. i feel so fucking bad. i want to cry but i cant why does he have to fuck with me like this. i love him but i was just getting excited about being single and my summer. now im so sad. its like we just broke up all over again. i am such a bad person. bad, bad, bad, bad. i cant stop repeating that in my head. i really want to kill myself. these are not the only reasons but like i feel like it was just what i needed to be pushed over the edge. aaaahhhh.